"In the closet" Elgin man arrested Friday afternoon
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4/14/17. Elgin police were dispatched to a local shell gas station Friday afternoon after receiving a call for suspicious activity. Upon arriving, an abnormally long line of males was found waiting entrance into the male washroom, police reports say. After getting through the crowd of what was about 17 men waiting outside the washroom, police found Miguel Anjel Hernandez, on his knees, sucking on the penis' of what appeared to be two homeless men at the same time. Miguel Immediately tried running out of the bathroom and jumping through the window, and as he did this he pulled a bloody pink dildo out of what appeared to be his anus, and threw it at the responding officers. Miguel fled the scene, but was later found a few miles away at a local Elgin gay bar. Officer Swanson of the Elgin pd said, "I took a random guess that he would be at that gay bar. I have a gay uncle whose a cubs fan and he tends to go there a lot so I knew of it as the only gay bar in Elgin. We walked in, tazed him and immediately arrested him. Everyone in the bar was mad because we disrupted the cubs game they were watching." Miguel is awaiting a bond hearing and is being charged with aggravated fleeing, aggravated sucking penis in a washroom, battery on a police officer, aggravated being an in the closet faggot, and aggravated being over 30 years of age and still living at home with his mom. Miguel's attorney says he is in fact not gay. In his possession were $5.75, a pack of gum, and a cubs hat. Officers say they're not sure if Miguel is gay because he's a cubs fan, or if he's a cubs fan because he's gay. He is scheduled to appear in courth may 5, and I guess we'll find out the answer then.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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