Public SRC Commissioner Stoning Leads to Holly-Navarre Being Renamed "Tourist Town"

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During a last minute agenda change at the Santa Rosa County Board of County Commissioners, District 4 Commissioner, Rob “Hothead” Williams took the time to offer his apologies to the citizens and fellow BoCC commissioners on his unilateral decision to remove new temporary signs that caused his district significant pain and suffering. Additionally, to put before the board an offer to make some adjustments to the community signage. However, even after his public apology and citizen cheering for his humble showing, two commissioners and Sandpaper publishing plants decided a public stoning was in order.

District 1 Commissioner, Sam “Boss” Parker after clearing his throat several times offered the following. “Look, I got a lot of feels right now and don’t really want to overemphasize how the BoCC is like God’s will, and you just don’t question God’s will. Those few hundred people dared to questioned us, not acceptable, not acceptable all, I hope their property floods out to teach them our word is like God’s, it is final and unquestionable.”

District 5 Commissioner Lane “2 Cents” Lynchard provided the following statement: I know wasteful taxpayer spending, Hell I perfected it. I helped pulled off the Navarre Beach Sea Turtle Center Scam in 2013 blasting through at least $250,000 taxpayer dollars, but No this Rob guy just had to start digging in 2015/2016 and almost exposed the whole thing, making this board look bad. Then again in my own district with me trying to work a scam with the City of Gulf Breeze and the golf course they spent $2 million dollars on, it would have been a glorious raping of taxpayer funds, but nope, there was Rob again undermining the whole thing. No, he had to learn today, the hard way, when you undermined the BoCC’s wasteful and fraudulent spending habits, you undermined our will, he had to learn the lesson of towing the line.

District 2 Commissioner, Robert A. "Bob" Cole stated “Hey, I saw an opportunity to compromise on this issue, you know split the difference, get ahead of this thing, move forward and get it behind us. But, halfway through my peace mediation, I noticed Boss and 2 Cents pull out boxes full of colorful stones, so then I was like, Welp, Rob you on your own.”

One citizen, who chose to remain anonymous, stated “Yo, I knew that guy was gonna take a beat down as soon as the first two Sandi Puppets popped off. When pressed on the term “Sandi Puppets”, the citizen, starting to look nervous, replied “Dawg, I don’t need no problems in Navarre, best we forget it, I don’t need any bad press down there from her, you feel me.” “I just started my tourist trinkets business, and now after this decision I gotta spend $10,000 on product redesign.”

Another citizen who also asked to remain anonymous made the following comment: Look man, I’m a retired special operation guy, so let's keep it on the down low ok? But, I once witness an honor killing by stoning in Jakistan while working with an OGA and local freedom fighters. I mean to tell you that was not as vicious as what happened today. Hell all those color stones flying around, set my PTSD off.

Pressing County Administrator, Tony “I’m the Real Deal” Gomillion for a comment all he could say was “look fellas, I don’t have a dog in the fight, right now I’m getting a bunch of emails and phone calls from folks that belong the the Santa Rosa Rocks Facebook page complaining someone has stolen all their rocks, and I need the shut this down”

Commissioner Williamson, battered and slightly bruised after the ordeal provided the following: Look guys, I’ve learned my lesson, I’ll start being a Team player with the rest of the BoCC. As to my pain and suffering, it wasn’t too bad, actually it felt like I was catching passes from a limp wrist FSU quarterback.

At the end of it all, the BoCC decided to do nothing except to start working a plan to rename the Holley-Navarre area to “Tourist Town”. One anonymous county worker was quoted as saying “we are renaming them because they forgot their place, We are the pimps and they are our revenue whores, they gots to learn”. More reporting as it becomes available.

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.

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