Local Fat Man Missing
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Roy Alan Haight of Flatwoods Ky. was reported missing by his son Brandon Haight and their friend Kevin Kitts. The trio had been deer hunting in Greenup ky. when Mr. Haight went M.I.A. Kevin Kitts and Brandon were with Roy Haight the whole day and we're drinking beer around the campfire having a typical hunting party. Brandon said that he wasn't sure what happened to his Dad from the time they got out of their treestands to the campfire because Roy was unable to walk like normal. But Mr. Haight had talked his son and friend into going to another camp for a bean dinner up on Raccoon. When they arrived Roy was seen with a mason jar in his hand leaning against a wall when he started laughing and fell thru an unmanned tent. After 30 minutes of trying to get him off the ground Roy then said you all go on in and eat.....ill be fine. So Kevin and Brandon went into the garage to eat and mingle when they heard an awful commotion outside. It sounded like a herd of Buffalo running through a school combined with someone yelling.....By God!!!! As K.K. and Brandon got up to go possibly pick Roy up off of the ground..Kenny and Woody were practically carrying him into the garage. Mr. Haight was being helped into the garage and onlookers say that he wasn't even attempting to use his legs....it's as if he gave up or simply forgot how to walk. Basically he was making the 2 helping him carry him knowing good and well how Heavy he is....like he was getting a kick out of the two struggling. Once inside Kenny and Woody let Roy go on his own....he took about 3 steps and fell face first onto a woman and a baby....the woman was blindsided by Mr. Haight while spoonfeeding her 6 month old baby. Luckily the baby only suffered mild trauma and is expected to make a full recovery. After Roy was once again picked up by his son who was embarrassed they were politely asked to get Roy the hell out of there. K.K. and Brandon dragged Roy to the van and threw him in the back and drove him back to their camp. That's where it gets weird. Roy was reportedly laying in the grass next to the campfire when he attempted to get up to go to bed. After a 5 minute attempt he stood up and started making his way to the camper which was on a slight downward slope. Kevin said Roy started wobbling towards the camper when he started picking up speed. It was like he was a runaway train. Kevin also said Roy was running so fast that he out ran his legs when he fell face first before the camper. K.K. turned to look at Brandon and said....Should we help him? Brandon said....Hell No! But if he makes it in the camper we had better go watch this comedy! Then miraculously Mr. Haight stood up and made it inside. Brandon said to K.k.....Let's go watch this! While standing outside of the camper Roy was attempting to get in the bed. He stuck one leg up on the edge of the bed thinking he had it when Mr. Haight hit the camper floor at an unbelievable force. K.K. looked at Brandon and said Holy S!.....and then Kevin looked underneath the camper thinking Roy had fell thru the floor which in fact he did. But when looking under the camper Mr. Haight was no where to be found. He simply vanished! Kevin and Brandon said that he couldn't have escaped or ran away because his legs weren't working. So be on the lookout for a bearded man with the frame of an M&M...he was last seen in a pop up camper. Brandon thinks that the sheer force of Roys Ass hitting the floor and the ground could have possibly sent him straight thru to China. If you see this man he responds well to these names and phrases.....By God! God D&n!! Moonshine!! Free beer!!!....but beware if he hears any of these that buffalo will charge!! If he is spotted contact Kevin or Brandon or Roys brother David. His brother David said I hope he's alright.....but we haven't had any leads....we basically don't even have a leg left to stand on....
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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