Local upstanding man goes feral at thought of elections.
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"I just don't feel qualified to make this awful choice," said local churchgoer JM Guillen on Tuesday. "It feels like no matter what I do, I might as well just shoot America in the face myself."
The handsome man is not alone in thoughts like these, recent polls say. 85 of Americans chose "I'd rather go feral and live in the woods than vote for either of these ass-crackers." This is up 75 from elections that aren't completely rigged and unfair, something that hasn't happened in this country in over four decades.
"My dogs don't have to vote," Guillen said tearfully while scratching the hounds. "They don't care about lost emails or who grabbed who in the junk."
But what about his rights as a citizen? What about his responsibilities?
"If I go feral, all I have to worry about is who to bite," he said wistfully. "I think that's about all I can handle right now."
At press time, the man was seen loping into the woods on all fours, howling at the November moon.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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