Election Day Turbulence
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Last week, we brought you the story of a local National Guardsman who was receiving some unexpected votes from mail-in ballots. We hoped the story would quell the tide, but the opposite has happened. In an election fraught with backstabbing, lies, FBI investigations, and racism, it appears the underdog, SFC Bybee, has become Utah's new favorite.
This article is set to change that. The local populace doesn't know what he stands for, or what his policies are. This nutcase actually believes that the current gun laws should be enforced, rather than enacting more restrictive legislature. In his delusions, he doesn't understand why the government should have any say in same-sex marriages. While he admits that the healthcare system was flawed to begin with, he doesn't understand that the nation is better with Obamacare. He points out that he has to pay more now than he did before, as if that were proof. To further prove that he is not fit for president, SFC Bybee admits that he doesn't know every fact there is to know out there, despite being a self-professed geek.
If none of that were enough to convince you not to vote for this man, he even wrote an article titled “My New Religion” in which he states such drivel as “Live and let live,” or “Don’t try to force your way of life or beliefs onto another.” It’s as if the man thinks that others are capable of making decisions for themselves, and not have their hand held by religious zealots or the government. Is that the kind of person you want in office?
And if you’re still not convinced that he isn’t the man for the job, his life hasn’t always been one big success. He is on his second marriage, for one thing. He’s obviously made mistakes, and his current marriage has only lasted for the last thirteen years. That’s an unlucky number, if you ask me. Sure, he has published a few fantasy novels, and travelled the world with the military, but he’s not rich. How could we possibly trust a man who wasn’t wealthy? This guy isn’t even ashamed of the fact that he isn’t perfect in every way.
So what if he’s served his country faithfully for over 19 years? He’s obviously a military wacko who shouldn’t be trusted with the safety and defense of this great country. It doesn’t matter what awards he’s received, or the fact that his boss and coworkers actually appreciate this fool. In fact, when his boos was asked what he thought of SFC Bybee running for POTUS, he said, “Sure. But I still need him here. He makes my job easier.” Since he works for a suspiciously labeled “Help Desk” we decided to talk to some of those he’s “helped.” “He was polite, and got my issue resolved quickly,” said one woman who asked not to be identified. “I was at wit’s end trying to solve my issue, but SFC Bybee fixed it in a couple minutes.” We don’t need that level of efficiency in the Oval Office. Does that sound like government work to you? It’s shady, and unnatural to have anything in the government run smoothly.
In conclusion, how can we trust a person who is considered polite, and not under investigation? SFC Bybee is an upstanding American soldier. If this doesn’t disqualify him from office, consider that he isn’t brash, rude, overbearing, and hated by at least half the population. So on this elections day, DON’T vote with your conscience; vote the lesser evil. Nothing bad has ever happened from that.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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