INVESTIGATORS RACE TO FIND "SLOWEST CAR IN BROOME COUNTY"
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After a very thorough and detailed investigation into the street racing scene right here in Broome County, officials say they have finally found what they deem to be, the slowest car in Broome County. The investigation began in early June 2016 when officials received complaints of illegal street racing on 17 and 81. A spokesperson for the Broome County Sheriff said they have been receiving far more complaints than usual on most Friday and Saturday nights of street racing on the local highways, more than usual, so they decided to finally do something about it. Armed with Volkswagens, V6 Mustangs, and of course, modified Honda Civics, undercover officers infiltrated the local street racing community to get an inside look of the problem and perpetrators. However, what they found, was a shock to everyone.
"They were all pretty slow for the most part." Said Officer Daniels, 20-year veteran of the New York State Police. "From the way people were talking on some local "car enthusiasts" Facebook pages, we were expecting a lot faster cars."
When questioning the officers involved in the investigation, pretty much all of them had the same answer. Sheriff Cunningham said it best though, "It appears that the local cars a lot faster on the internet." He told us laughingly.
So this led the team in a whole different direction. They were now out to find the "slowest" car in Broome County. What started out as a joke, became a bigger joke when most of the local law enforcement were on board. Most doing it on their own time. They had a few ideas of who the slowest might be narrowed down to a few cars after the first night.
"You just have to pay attention. You have to know the lingo. Key words to listen for are phrases such as "gap train,""get run over" or "bus lengths." Once you hear that, you know they are talking about someone really slow." According to Officer Ellis of the New York State Police. "I mean we can't find the fastest car in the county when we are out here driving Hondas and Mustangs, so we are going for the slowest."
After only a couple weeks of street racing and getting "scene points" several officers had been accepted into the community. Several of the officers said how easy it was to be accepted by just showing up with a loud exhaust, cambered wheels, ebay parts, and the occasional vape. However, it took several months of incredible investigative work before they finally had their answer. Closing in towards the end of September of 2016, the 4 officers still deep inside the street racing community unanimously came up with the same answer. Finally, they had the slowest car in Broome County.
So who is the slowest car in this little Upstate NY community? A mid 90's Mitsubishi Eclipse, police say. The owner of the vehicle Paul Solovyev of Endwell, NY. Police say that the lack of acceleration and top end speed of this "racecar" is unrivaled and uncontested.
"I mean what does he expect? It's a Mitsubishi Eclipse." Deputy Sheriff Keville chuckled. "It's hilarious. I don't know how they do things in Russia, but a mid 90's junk Mitsubishi isn't get the job done over here. I feel bad for a lot of these people. Must be nice not to have to live in reality."
Law enforcement officials say they have a list of traffic infractions, misdemeanors, and even a couple felonies but they do not plan on pressing any charges.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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