Trump Orders Investigation into "Cryo-Therapy" Scam, Indictments Expected
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President Trump announced today that Attorney General Jeff Sessions will lead an investigation into a ring of supposed "cryo-therapy" businesses centered in Southern California that are suspected fronts for the Mexican Mafia. Meanwhile, a grand jury is expected to seek indictments in late June or early July.
"These scam artists, posing as quasi-medical technicians providing therapy to athletes, have recently come to the awareness of the Department of Justice," claims U.S. Chief Prosecutor Ima Gichyu.
These criminal rackets lure potential customers in by promising accelerated fitness-recovery time, reduced muscle inflammation, increased metabolism, and curing of toenail cancer. While widely believed to refer to the frigid temperatures employed in the bogus therapy, "cryo-therapy" actually derives its name from how loudly victims are known to cry as they beg to be released from their freezing confines.
“These charlatans literally lock unsuspecting patrons in freezers until victims agree to pay exorbitant ransoms to be allowed to leave,” explains Upland Police Chief Ben Ippy. “They are then threatened with retribution by Sureños [gangs allegiant to the Mexican Mafia] should they be caught disclosing the criminal enterprise to law enforcement authorities. They even nefariously offer discounted 'packages' and 'memberships' to virtually enslave clients and ensure their repeated victimization.”
The Justice Department plans initially to focus on three cryo-therapy providers based in Southern California: Cool Cali Cryo-Therapy and Ice Cream Parlor (Compton), Recovery Lab (Rancho Cucamonga/Claremont), and Narcotraficantes Fitness (Montebello).
In response, area cryo-therapy proprietors have announced a press conference for June 31st to defend the legitimacy of their operations and reassure the public.
"Not a single client has frozen to death in the past 60 days," affirmed local owner Anita I. Scyoob. "We're not cartel ringleaders like Joaquín 'El Chapo' Guzmán or Jose Luis 'Louie' Zuniga. Everybody just needs to chill!"
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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