Search Called Off For Area Man...
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Iowa City, IA- Search and rescue efforts to locate missing area mannequin, Raisins Demanneqin, were put on an indefinite hiatus on Friday. Sources close to Demannequin say that after exhaustive efforts to recover the missing mannequin after his disappearance from "The Governor's Mansion" in January of 2016, they simply cannot afford to fund the search any further.
"It really shocked us all when we couldn't find Raisins in the van. He wasn't the type to just wander off. I mean, He didn't have any legs, or arms!" said Demannequin's former business partner, Blake T. Daly. Daly, who was one of the last people to have seen the missing mannequin, gave his entire life savings, a total of $23.07 and "some pretty decent records", to the search effort.
Local jerky dealer, Loxley Eckles V says he is nearing bankruptcy after the year and a half long hunt.
"I once dreamt of breaking the sound barrier while piloting a jet plane, but I think thats out of the question after hiring the helicopter recon flight. That was pretty fun though. I can't believe they just gave us the keys," said Eckles V.
The disappearance hit close to home for Max Lipnick, a long time friend of Raisins'.
"The first time Raisins went missing I was crushed for years and when we found him, after so many years, in the basement of Parlor City Pizza I promised I wouldn't lose him again." said Lipnick," I'm just relieved the authorities no longer consider me a person of interest."
Police had, in fact, investigated Lipnick but cleared him of all suspicion. They did uncover that he had been pirating bootleg VHS copies of the film Pootie Tang, but decided not to prosecute on the grounds that watching Pootie Tang so many times was punishment enough.
KRRN 5 News reached out to Raisins' life partner, now widower, Alex Flesher, who submitted this message in the form of a home-recorded audio message:
"I'm crushed under the weight of this loss...
Never will I forget the incredible support of this community...
Gonna' be a long time until I recover...
Give me time...
You can all be sure I'll recover...
Up until now I had truly believed he would be found...
Never seemed impossible...
Gonna need to start moving on...
Let me heal and be patient...
You will see me recover some day...
Down the road...
Please read only the first word of each statement. Thank you."
A funeral service will be held on the roof of 30hop, 900 E 2nd Ave, Coralville IA, on Wednesday July 19th at 7pm. Local folk band Flash in a Pan will be playing and 30hop has offered to provide beverages at their normal prices.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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