Under 35?, in the United States?, get ready to serve. You won't have choice

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A new idea has been circling on the hill and has quite a few in an upheaval about serving in the military. Effective January of 2018 if you are under 35 years of age you will no longer have a choice to serve or not to serve. There will only be three exemptions. Mentally Incapacitated, Physically Incapactiated, Or those currently in prison with a 25 year or longer sentence.

Here are some reasons as explained by a staffer. We can all under stand mentally or physically incapacitated, so that's a no brainer. But it must be documented and certified by not only your personal physician, but also a military physician. Yes this means almost everyone who can walk or talk coherently will be given at least two REAL physicals. And your personal doctor will have to certify under penalty of perjury and loss of license if you are ok to serve. They are not kind in the examination, every orifice is profusely abused and examined.

Those currently incarcerated, we can all agree we wouldn't want them being able to handle either a gun or state secrets. I mean seriously, especially if your a girl. Would you want to know that John doe was released from prison for rape and murder, then promptly put into the military serving next to you, did I mention they have a knife and a gun provided. Makes my spine shiver already. Hmm what if he raped a guy in prison too? Uh oh.

It seems that we have come to the point and idea that they have in at least a higher portion of the Norwegian states and European countries, where everyone must serve at least one term and tour of duty protecting their country. Personally I think its a great idea. Politically, well at least everyone will have a sense of duty. Morally, ummm, yeah ok, we should all have that desire to serve and protect.

What will be required? They will start with the oldest, those born in 1983 will be inducted first in 2018, then they will work their way down to the youngest at 18 years of age. Now here is something you are going to love.

There are NO exclusions other than those above. Even if you have children you will have to serve. If you can't serve on the front lines, you will be in an office. We are sure that since the military likes things so neat and clean that a lot of people will suddenly become janitors and maintenance people to keep things in order. Those in college will have to put their plans on hold until after their service is performed.

What will this do to universities and college sports teams. Again No exemptions, so getting a scholarship for sports might not be what you are aiming for. I would venture to say that keeping yourself healthy while on duty will be a very smart thing to do and then once you are out, become a walk on.

Now with reference to how each military unit will be made up. Everyone should love this next part as it deals with equality. One man One woman designated by birth gender only.
So when you see a military regiment, it will be comprised a formation of One man, One Woman. I was informed that this was down to not only serve the issues of equality but also to avoid issues of harassment. With reference to race, creed, or religion, this too is pretty simple.

The new military make up will look something like this. Porcia, will stand next to Jose, who will stand next to Virginia, who will stand next to Dante, who will stand next to Renee, who will stand next to William and so on and so forth. But it will have to equal no matter what.

Since there 2.1 women for every man, it seems at least at this moment that women will have more inductees. And this thing about citing religious indifference to serving, a.k.a. pacifism, that exclusion is gone as well.

A new thing will be taking place as to what you will be learning in college as well. It will all be done by a combination of placement tests and how you handle On the Job Training. In other words that doctor or lawyer you thought you wanted to be, might be turned in a cook or bottle washer.

Being sneaky won't help either, those getting caught at deception of any sort will immediately be sent to the front lines. Those who rank above you don't like the competition, so they will probably put you in harms way automatically. Wait, I thought I heard someone say you did that to Sally last week.

Oh and lets not forget automatic deferrals because you are the only child, they have prepared a special position for you, it is a position of trust ... you get to take care of all the officers and non-commissioned officers children. Be aware, they feed their kids Red Bull and chocolate for breakfast, to add insult to injury here, they give them a kazoo.

Men will be responsible for going to the PX and retrieving all of the women's daily personal items and toiletries of necessity, yes you know what I mean here guys.

Women you will entirely responsible for keeping all men happy and calm. this means NO DRAMA. Military motto is ... "whatever it takes to get the job done" NO EXCEPTIONS. AND ... the Brass does not want to hear about it AT ALL.

As far as pay goes, since your uniforms, housing, medical, dental, optometry, and three squares a day will be provided for you. Minimum wage will suffice. Other than local travel inside of 50 miles from your home base, most everything else will be covered. If we don't pay you enough, you can find another job, But if you do that before your mandatory service requirement is fulfilled, you will be considered to be non-adjustable and non-conforming, this will result in being dishonorably discharged and then you won't be able to get any job!

One final thing. Those from the north will serve in the south, those from south will serve in the north, east goes west and west goes east. Those in the middle, it's a coin toss, literally, so you never know where you will end up. One poor girl who was going to Harvard ended up in the Mojave. A young man from Miami ended up in Juneau, Alaska. Oh and here is a good one. This kid from harlem, guess where he ended up ... El Paso. But the real clincher was this. That kid who was studying to become a rabbi, he was sent to Saudi Arabia.

The powers at be seem to think if you won't make the decision to play nice with each other, then you will be forced to play nice with each other. Don't be surprised if that one person you hated most in school, ends up in your unit.

I have to believe all of this is true because last I heard, my ex-wife and mother-in-law are as we speak right now, overseas teaching them how to fight dirty.

So how much of all of this is true. Who knows, but at least if you read this far you do have to find it comical and ... unbelievable. Why. I made it all up as a prank and a funny just to get you riled up.

Sincerely
The masked marauder

PS. Do you know the True Difference between a sadist and a masochist. The Masochist says hti me, hit me, please please you must hit me. And the sadist says no.

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.