Teen Cures Very Serious Disease
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Callaway Bird of Sturgis, MI has cured one of the world's most serious disease.
Sturgis, Michigan (CNN) One of the most serious diseases in human history has finally been cured. It had been plaguing our world for months until one high school senior came up with the scientific formula to cure it. What is this serious disease? It is one not too many are familiar with.
"God damn it is just such a serious disease" claims world hero Callaway Bird. Bird, a senior at Culver Military Academy is from Sturgis, MI and is the one most responsible for the curing of Vaginal Scoliosis.
Vaginal Scoliosis burst onto the scene in spring 2016 and quickly became a serious disease. Callaway first noticed it when roughly every 11 out of 13 girls on his track team had the disease. "My statistics were highly accurate and it was a bit scary to see the disease among my friends and teammates" says Bird. By the fall of 2017 the disease had spread and infected every 16 out of 23 females worldwide (roughly 69). However Callaway specifically made the push to cure the disease after hearing some very disturbing news.
"My great-grandmother was diagnosed with Vaginal Scoliosis. The doctors say she had at most 20 years to live. She's 91. Knowing that the disease was affecting my family members was when I knew I had to make a stand and put an end to this serious disease. That is when I called some of my friends to help me out.”
Bird reached out to some of his scientific friends to help him out. Stephen Hawking and Bill Nye made up his team and they did the scientific research. Weeks later, they were successful. "I had never worked so hard on something in my life" says Bird, "Come to think of it the only time I worked that hard was when I made a diss track".
Yes, Callaway is a man of many talents, recently releasing a track titled: "Girls' Diss Track". Working alongside fellow Culver Military men Shuno Pursch and Joseph Chandler, the trio dropped a fire track. "Shoutout to those guys, not just for making the track with me, but for also supporting me in all things Vaginal Scoliosis related. Without them, none of my accolades would be possible".
CNN is still trying to get a hold of the track.
What exactly is Vaginal Scoliosis?
It is a very serious disease. It is kind of like normal scoliosis, you know in the spine... you can figure out the rest.
Interview with Callaway Bird
CNN's very own Jenna Tolls was able to catch up with Callaway and get a very insightful interview:
Jenna Tolls: First of all, on behalf of all women, thank you so much for curing this very serious disease.
Callaway Bird: No problem Jenna Tolls, don't think of it as a favor, it is more of something I had to do.
JT: What do you mean by that?
CB: I have been striving my whole life to respect women. Personally, I feel that I am the greatest women respecter alive, and I needed something huge to prove it to the world.
JT: Well this certainly puts you above and beyond other great women respecters like Barack Obama, The Dalai Lama, Ray Rice, Jon Lajoie, and Pierce Ellert to name a few.
CB: Well those are all highly accredited men Jenna, thank you for the recognition.
JT: Now can we talk more about Vaginal Scoliosis? Like, how long did it take you to cure it?
CB: At least 8
JT: Wow, that must have been very hard work. How serious of a disease would you say Vaginal Scoliosis was?
CB: Very
JT: What exactly did you do to cure this disease?
CB: Well there was a lot of scientific work, a lot of which I am not legally able to discuss.
JT: Zoinks! Anyways, how does the world obtain the cure to the very serious disease?
CB: Wal-Mart
JT: Well Callaway, anything else you would like to say?
CB: Your name sounds like "genitals" haha. Also, for a free dose of the cure, DM me tiddy pics (applies to all females looking to get mad respected).
JT: I already have
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The following statement was made by president Trump:
"Callaway is an extremely talented young man, and his work is amazing. I love everything he is doing with his rap career and I... oh this isn't about the diss track? Oh yeah he cured Vaginal Scoliosis. Vaginal Scoliosis was a real threat to our population and I am extremely grateful for Callaway and want him to replace me upon my impeachment.
Callaway will go down as one of the world's greatest heroes. Both the towns of Culver and Sturgis will be using american citizens tax dollars to create a 69 foot gold statue of Callaway. It is going to cost at least 8 dollars... each."
If you or a loved one has been diagnosed with Vaginal Scoliosis, you may be entitled to financial compensation if you dial the toll-free number below:
299-319-1235
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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