Heavy, Frequent Snowstorms Increase Longevity in Humans

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A recent study by Mildist Research, Inc., uncovered a conclusion that no one expected: frequent, heavy snowstorms increase human life expectancy an average of one decade.

It's been known for quite some time that snow-lovers don't live as long when they must endure nearly snowless winters. It was not, however, predicted that snowstorms lead to a longer life for all age groups.

Thomas A. Troll, the principal investigator of the study, postulates that heavy snowstorms force more people to get beneficial aerobic exercise shoveling snow. Also, it prevents many from getting to the store and buying donuts or other tasty but nutritionally bankrupt food that has shown to have a deleterious effect on health.

"A storm resulting in an accumulation of 20 inches or more of snow seems to be the sweet spot," Troll said. “That keeps people homebound and away from fast food establishments for days in areas that aren't used to such massive accumulations.”

When asked about excessive alcohol consumption during blizzard parties, Troll rolled his eyes and simply said, "Cheers!"

A full text version of the study is currently burning in Chris Smolinski’s grill.

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.

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