Cat Weather Gang Tops Capital Weather Gang by a Whisker as DC’s Most Popular Weather Forecasters
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For the first time in over a decade, the Capital Weather Gang’s (CWG) reign as top weather forecasting outfit in the Washington, DC area has ended. The Cat Weather Gang (CaWG) has usurped the title, according to Useless Metrics, Inc., a lightly-regarded media rating firm.
In an unusual admission, Cat Weather Gang’s Chief Feline Officer, Miss Scarlett, deflected credit and touted the dedication of her fellow felines as the main driver in the firm’s success.
“While I am the public face of the organization,” Miss Scarlett opined, “It is the continued diligence of our great feline team that allows us to achieve such a high level of success. We have cats strategically located throughout the metro area, literally giving us a leg up on the competition.”
Charles, Clara, Demi, and Summercat round out the CaWG’s crack staff. Charles and Clara cover the rural western edge of the forecast area; Summercat forecasts for central Virginia; Demi, a Siamese Snowshoe who hates snow, forecasts for closer-in northern Virginia; and Miss Scarlett’s area of responsibility is Maryland. When asked why there was no staff in Washington, DC proper, Miss Scarlett replied, “No cat in his or her right mind would live there, so we don’t care about it. Capital Weather Gang can have it.”
Each feline brings special talents to the team. Charles and Clara work in tandem and actually brave the dangerous outdoors to provide timely in situ observations while also eradicating certain pests. Demi’s expertise is sun bath forecasting. She has achieved nearly 51 percent accuracy for indoor weather forecasts. Summercat’s activities are top secret and cannot be disclosed due to their sensitive natures, but she does excel at predicting and tracking CAT 1 hurricanes that impact central Virginia. Miss Scarlett promotes the organization through various social media outlets, including Purrinterest, Chatter, Snapcat, Felinebook and MewTube.
Another lynchpin component at CaWG’s disposal resides in Falls Church, Virginia, codenamed Dogdar. “Dogdar is our secret weapon,” Miss Scarlett purred. She continued, “We leverage Dogdar’s early thunderstorm detection to bring accurate warnings to all of our feline friends. Dogdar is quite amazing as he has detected thunder as far away as planet Jupiter. I almost feel sorry for him, but not really.”
Asked why a cat would stoop to employing a dog in any facet of CaWG’s operation, Miss Scarlett replied, “We do what we have to do for the good of the community." Dogdar could not be reached for comment.
Addressing potential competition from the startup Canine Weather Gang, Miss Scarlett retorted, "Many dogs simply chase their tails all day or obsequiously fawn over their masters. There is no competition. We’re smarter, so naturally we rule.”
Finally, when asked to describe one specific quality that each of her staff members possesses, Miss Scarlett pointed to their pervasive “Get off my lawn!” mentality. “Our wonderful cats don’t put up with any crap. If you are a mouse, squirrel or bird, you’ll be dealt with swiftly and severely. Nothing will interrupt the singlemindedness of our staff.”
And with that, Miss Scarlett told us to get lost as it was now naptime.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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