600 LB Siberian tiger on the loose in New Providence, NJ
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A Siberian tiger believed to be well over 600 lbs has been reported to have escaped from a local pet store. Not to worry as this exotic beast was not part of the pet collection for sale, but rather there as an intimidator for the local punk kids who think stealing aquarium equipment is cool. Idiots. What the hell is the matter with kids these days and our society? But I digress. Rumor has it that 14 New Providence residents have gone missing in the last few days and there is a trail of blood on each of their properties, believed to be the result of a tiger mauling. None of these residents are yet to be officially reported missing as they’re all new residents in town, so nobody really gives a fuck about them. No children have been harmed.
During an interview with a local resident, he mentioned that his friend Richie Dukes posted about seeing a large creature running through the backyards on Thursday night, followed by a local story the following day about a bear sighting in town, which are very common. The resident didn’t seem to be concerned about the tiger threat, but was more con- cerned about his friend Richie’s ex- perience. He was quoted "I don’t understand why he would post something like that, exposing his fear of an unknown beast in the middle of the night. Such a pussy he was. I’d rather be eaten alive and leave my children fatherless and my wife a widow before I admit I’m afraid of a tiger. But he posts dumb shit all the time, so I’ll make sure I speak with him about it".
More to be revealed as this story develops. In the meantime, be sure to bring in all pets, children, empty cans of tuna, any animal carcasses you have laying around in your yard for whatever weird reason, and be sure to wear a mask on the back of your head when out in public (because that works ????).
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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