Atlanta Police End Search for Stolen Van with Body Inside
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On Friday night Maurice Johnson, an employee of Affordable Cremation Solutions had to quickly drop some paperwork off. When he jumped out of his 2001 Ford Windstar, he left the doors unlocked and the engine running. After all, why would anyone in their right mind want to steal a crematorium car with a dead body in the back seat? But he came back out just in time to see his van leaving without him, which either meant he'd been carjacked or the zombie apocalypse had started.
Police immediately started looking for the car thief and involuntary body snatcher. Hours later, police found the minivan abandoned in front of the Peachtree Road Liquor Store. They were able to identify and locate the thief Harold Brown because he left his cell phone in the seat as he made his getaway.
Brown stated he stole the van to have a vehicle to pick up hookers in. Upon choosing his lady of the night, a prostitute named Windy Wild they proceeded to have sex. The thief stated that all of a sudden Windy started screaming. He thought she was having an orgasm and kept pumping. She proceeded to scream and started hollering, “Man! Man!”. Again, he misinterpreted her screams and pumped harder still. Finally Windy reached and grabbed his nipple and twisted it dang near off. Brown said in his mind he was thinking, “Damn! This bitch gives the full service for $20! What a deal!” After a few minutes he decided to switch positions. That’s when he spotted the corpse smiling back at him. He jumped off of Windy, exited the van and started running. He said the last time he saw Windy she was flying past him on the corner of Maple Ave. and Hennessy Drive.
A spokesperson for the family of the deceased, Willie Jenkins say they are thankful that Brown didn't seem in the mood for some wonderfully morbid Weekend At Bernie's-style hijinks with the corpse. However, they added that Willie would have gladly turned it into a threesome if he was still able to get it up.
Chief Robert Marlow of Atlanta Police Department said maybe Brown will think twice before committing another crime. His next court appearance is August 24th.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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