Mitch McConnell admits: "I sexually assaulted myself"

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U.S. Senate, Washington D.C.,

I an stunning turn of events, Republican Senator Mitch McConnell confessed to a shocked Senate audience that he has reason to believe he may have sexually assaulted himself during his college years.

"It is a very hard thing to come to terms with, and honestly, the memories are a big blur" expressed Senator McConnell. "I may have drowned much of this traumatic experience through years of binge drinking. But really, it's all coming back to me know. The ordeal with now judge Kavanaugh has awoken my memories."

When asked to provide more details, a tearful McConnell commented: "I was young. Immature. I remember one night in college, I went out drinking alone as I would usually do. But that night was different. I wasn't in the mood to drink, but I forced myself to. After a few Bourbons, I walked myself to the dorm. I thought everything would be fine, but then I started touching myself. I said no, but I insisted. I struggled until I could no more. And then it happened. I sexually assaulted myself."

As McConnell cried, the Speaker of the House announced that an FBI investigation had been opened and charges were being contemplated against McConnell. Millions gathered for marches around the nation as the MeToo posted pics on Facebook. It seems McConnell will pay dearly for the heinous acts he committed against himself.

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.

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