New Study Shows Cigarettes Linked to Autism and Menthols Cause Asperger's Syndrome
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Research released today by the Food and Drug Administration conducted by the National Institutes of Health in Bethesda, Maryland, indicates and undeniable link between menthol cigarettes and Asperger's Syndrome. The study was conducted by taking a 500 participants between the ages of 18 and 25 who had never smoked cigarettes before. 250 of the participants were given Marlboro Red cigarettes and the remaining 250 participants were given Marlboro Smooth cigarettes to smoke over a period of 1 year.
Prior to beginning the study, each participant was given full physical and mental health exams. At the conclusion of the research period, each participant was given another physical and mental health exam, which yielded staggering results. Out of the 250 participants who smoked Marlboro Reds, 144 were diagnosed with varying degrees of Autism - that is a 57.6 mark, where the general population is only effected by this disorder at a rate of 1.7. From the 250 participants who smoked only Marlboro Smooth cigarettes, 234 were diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. By comparison, out of the participants diagnosed at a rate of 93.6, the Centers for Disease and Control Prevention estimates 1 in 68, or 1.4 of the population is effected by Asperger's Syndrome. The correlations are undeniable.
The results shocked researchers and the study will be conducted again on a larger population of over 5,000 participants by The Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine beginning March 25, 2019. People wanting to apply to be participants may submit their notice of interest to [email protected] no later than December 31, 2018. Participants will be compensated at the rate of $134 per day over the year long trial.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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