2019 House League Preseason Edition; Bucks, Jazz and Heat compete for top preseason spot

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.

2059 47001 Shares

As House League rosters and schedules drop, I expect lots of competition throughout this league. Star top recruits like Joe Devereux and Malamas Hajiharris top the league out in talent. Expect these two, among others, to run the show. Even though the Jazz cruised to the championship last year, don't expect them to do the same. Their roster is seemingly weaker than last year.

If you would like to bet on your team to win the championship, odds will be listed next to projections. (Minimum bet $5) But we all know who this league belongs to.


Nuggets (0-9): I am not going to hate. Good for these guys. They have the spirit to go out there and compete AGAIN, despite being awful at basketball. So here's to them. Four years of house league and four years of sheer embarrassment. They do still have Connor Alcock, and we all know he can take over a game at any time. He is a beast and a solid athlete. However, outside of that, it is simply challenging to find basic coordination on this roster. I do, however, anticipate these guys to play their little hearts out every darn game.
Team MVP: Connor Alcock
Odds to Win Championship: 44:1

Kings (0-9): IDK these guys but they probs suck lol
Team MVP: Who cares?
Odds to Win Championship: 44:1

Rockets (3-6): Nothing eye-popping here. No stars, not a crazy amount of height. What's separating these guys from the first two teams? Athleticism. Don't get me wrong, these guys are no superhumans, but there is a clear cut difference between the Rockets starting 5 and the Kings/Nuggets starting 5. 3 wins seems reasonable and maybe even less!
Team MVP: Jack Gorman
Odds to Win Championship: 37:1

Sonics (3-6): Another team of juniors here. Nothing crazy, but a little bit of noticable talent in Brennan Dombro and Harrison Harms. He's like tall as shit. Everyone else is nothing special. Honeslty they'll probs win less than 3.
Team MVP: Brennan Dombro
Odds to Win Championship: 33:1

Timberwolves (4-5): The Twolves come in with an unbelievably average lineup. Some dare to say below average, and I do not blame them. Elias Francque is like really bad, and it doesn't get much better from there. They have some decent height in Schimpf and Hoelscher, but these two have anger issues OFF THE CHARTS. I would anticipate these two to foul out in majority of games, lead the league in technical fouls, and probably even throw some chairs or punch the refs or some shit. Key to success against these mighty wolves is the give the ball to Francque and beat them mentally.
Team MVP: Henry Hoelscher
Odds to Win Championship: 24:1

Grizzlies (4-5): A semi-assembled championship team from last years bitch league. We all know how that turns out. Four wins is a stretch for this team. Their height will likely win them all their games.
Team MVP: Paul Schmit
Odds to Win Championship: 24:1

Pooicans (5-4): This is where it gets good. These guys are still brutal and complete poo, but the return of 5 star center Drew Latrielle will win them games. He is a legit athlete and a force to be reckoned with in the post. Finn Bauer is a solid tall guard and those two should make a good combo. Their weakness is how rattled they get. I have personally witnessed them cry after every game they lost last season. 5 wins with an upside potential of more is reasonable.
Team MVP: Drew Latrielle
Odds to Win Championship: 10:1

Lakers (5-4): Lakers should be a decent team. Im pretty sure Aidan Teahan is a beast, and Sean Hayes down low is not bad either. They are well rounded, with lots of athleticism. The only thing they lack is Ryan Kilburg. Coach Nick Saban took Kilburg off the Lakers roster following his recruitment.
Team MVP: Aidan Teahan
Odds to Win Championship: 13:1

76ers (6-3): Man, this team is lobsided. Peter James is my preseason MVP pick and could very well be Jesus Christ himself. If you don't think he'll be good, you're dumb and stupid. He is an asbolute beast. Rebounds, defense, and even 3's. He can do it all. Outside of him, they have Sean Kelly, who WILL lead the league in rebounds. Unfortunately no one else. Which sucks. But I anticipate Peter to take over every single game and average over 20 points.
Team MVP: Jesus Christ
Odds to Win Championship: 15:1


Heat (7-2): Great talent, great intensity, but a lack of real depth. The addition of Joe Devereux is league-changing. Purcell and Barry remain huge factors. The bench sucks though. I expect these guys to get hot towards the end of the year and make a possible championship run.
Team MVP: Joe Devereux
Odds to Win Championship: 3:1


Liam O'connell (7-2): You may know this team as the Jazz, but as proved last year, Liam is the whole team. He will score a plentiful amount of points and do everything he needs in order to win games. These guys have decent depth in Byron and Harry Donovan. Their basketball smarts and high intensity might bring these boys back to the ship.
Team MVP: Liam O'Connnell
Odds to Win Championship: 5:2

Bucks (9-0): The addition of Mikey Hajiharris is unreal for the boys formerly known as the Raptors. If you don't think they're the preseason favorites, you're just really dumb. Mikey gives Peter James a run for his money in the MVP race. Outside shooters in Tommy Brander (2x Unanimous House League MVP), Kevin Corcoran, and Luke Passsaneau will produce big time offensively. It will surprise most if these guys lose a game. They are good.
Team MVP: Malamas Hajiharris

Projected Awards:

League MVP: Peter James

MVP runner-up: Mikey Hajiharris

First Team All-House league
1) Joe Devereux
2) Drew Latrielle
3) Liam O'Connell
4) Mikey Hajiharris
5) Peter James

Second Team all House League
1) Connor Alcock
2) Caiden Purcell
3) Finn Bauer
4) Michael Byron
5) Aidan Teahan

Third team all house league
1) Tommy Brander
2) Kevin Corcoran
3) Danny Wolf
4) Harry Donovan
5) Brian Barry

Written and edited by 2x Unanimous MVP Tommy Brander

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.

loading Biewty

Most Popular

  1. 1

    bigfoot sighting at jackson lake campground near oak hill ohio Several eye witness reported seeing a large hairy animal of some kind near the Jackson lake campground. Local authorities are asking people to be cautious if you are planning on fishing near this area. One of the witnesses where able to snap a picture with their cell phone before the creature ran away near the Tommy Been rd area.

  2. 2

    new york city woman loses her temper, causes black hole to swallow her entire town Anna, 26, of New York City, DC was in the middle of an argument with a colleague when her temper got so out of control, it formed a small black hole, which demolished the vast majority of her neighborhood. "I just couldn't take it anymore, and unleashed my forces at the person who was irritating me. I had no idea the energy of my rage could cause such destruction," says Anna. Despite the ruination her anger has caused, Anna says she has no regrets. "I actually wish I knew I had this ability sooner!" Anna laughs. "There are a lot of people and things I could have eradicated from my life in this way."

  3. 3

    whale spotted in illinois river A humpback whale was spotted near Morris IL in the Illinois River today. The sighting comes just days after 2 Great White Sharks were seen frolicking in the same area. While not impossible, it does seem unlikely. It is thought that the whale may have followed the sharks as they sometimes do in the wild. The whale would of had to travel over 1250 miles to get to this location. The Marine Biologist Association will be in town for a full investigation. Until we have answers, we are asking folks to keep their pontoons and fishing boats docked.

  4. 4

    two great white sharks found swimming in mississippi river near saint louis, missouri. While it is not entirely impossible, it is incredibly uncommon for salt water dwelling creatures to stay for lengthy periods of time in fresh water. However, two Great White Sharks have managed to survive the trip and make their way up the Mississippi River somehow. Believed to have started as a mating couple, the two are assumed to have swam the 920 mile journey from the mouth of the Mississippi River that is connected to the Gulf Of Mexico. Officials in Saint Louis have contacted the Missouri Conservation Department and will likely have a team in the river soon to capture the two lost sharks.