Colorado Professor Poops in Campus Water Fountains

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Colorado University Assistant Professor of Physics Adam Kaufman was caught defecating in campus water fountains today. According to witness testimony, Dr. Kaufman's preferred fountain can be found in the Duane Physics Building, but he was also seen defecating in Balch Fieldhouse, Libby Hall, and several parking garages with hoses nearby.

Dr. Kaufman follows in a long line of educators who take a perverse pleasure in evacuating outside of bathroom stalls. What makes his bowel movements especially heinous is his trademark "poop pool." According to campus police, Dr. Kaufman views toilet paper as barbaric and started using water fountains as a makeshift bidet in October. His water cleanse often backs up, however, leaving unsuspecting students to stumble upon the fetid fecal fountains.

Graduate student Max Urmey was particularly offended by Dr. Kaufman's actions. Urmey told reporters, "On the CU website, Dr. Kaufman notes: 'I am interested in understanding and revealing the role of entanglement in complex quantum systems.' If only he opted not to untangle his complex colon system in the hallways...then I could study in peace." Dr. Kaufman could not be reached for comment.

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.

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Feb 2019