Week 5 Power Rankings: Kevin Corcoran & the Bucks Defend 1 Spot after a Record-breaking Victory
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Park Ridge house leaguer's gave quite the competition today. The faithful fans that were lucky enough to attend Lincoln Middle School today were given quite the treat: a double OT thriller, four games decided by single digits, and even documentation of the highest scoring house league game ever.
A boring matchup started the day off between the Rockets and the 76ers. Peter James was on the sideline in this game, after sustaining yet another setback with his knee. So you can only imagine how this game went without him. It was a pretty horrible example of organized sports, as this low scoring game was narrowly given to the 76ers. Only one member of the Rockets was kicked out of this affair. Shoutout to the Rockets for having enough confidence to show up again, and another shoutout for beating the Kings a few weeks back. A Rockets win? That will never happen again.
The Heat opened up a can of whoop-ass in the 3:00 matchup against the ever so brutal Pooicans. As you may know, the Heat are well known for their mental abilities; and it showed again this week after they successfully entered the feeble minds of Patrick Burke and Neil Lewis. After Purcell blocked Burke down low and proceeded to hit a stepback triple in his face, it was game over for the 200-lb Pooicans. The scoreboard read a 10 point win for the Heat, but their lack of defense at the end of the game was enough for the Pooicans to pad the stats. The Heat will face up against the Bucks next week at 6 pm for sole ownership of the 1 ranking. Tony Golf and Neil Lewis are also scheduled to fight. (date TBA)
A double OT nail-biter at 5:00, between the Sonics and Lakers. It is worth noting that the Sonics have lost Brennan Dombro to the IR, who was truly the heart and soul of this passionate roster.
The Lakers came out firing, and even maintained a 15 point lead late into the game. It seemed nothing but rational for the Lakers to seal the deal, until Jay Walsh lead the comeback train, dropping over 20 points which eventually tied the game. The fans napped through overtime 1, and were relieved of their boredom after Teahan finally did enough to stop the comeback. Watching the Sonics lose this one was painful, as their composure was collectively comparable to that of any given first grade girl.
The Grizzlies played a game of basketball against the Nuggets. This is like their third time playing the Nuggets this year; not sure how many league commisioners you need to suck off to get this kind of schedule. The Nuggets lost by so many points. I would be genuinely shocked if the Grizzlies didn't continue this under the table action into the playoffs, because it seems to be working. Other than a week 8 matchup against the Bucks, a good team is not in the Grizzlies near future. They play the Pooicans next week. Wowww.
The Jazz looked to defend their pitiful loss again, squaring up with the 2-2 Timberwolves. Contrary to common belief, the Twolves actaully controlled this game. With the help of COTY candidate Coach Dave, Henry Hoelscher was on fire, dropping 20 points. Liam eventually hyped up the soccer creeps to actually play defense, something vital in a matchup against the Twolves. They cannot handle pressure and will collapse like crazy if you so much as get within three square feet of whoever has the ball. No new behavior for either team. Jazz by 7.
Now the story everyone is dying to hear about. The Bucks and the Kings. I shit you not, multiple members of the Kings actually wagered legal currency on this game. May as well toss it down the shitter. The short-handed Bucks literally could not miss; all five member of the Bucks collectively knocked down their first ten threes. The real story was Kevin Corcoran though. Corcoran topped the league record and scored 52 points, going 14-16 from 3 point. (That is actually a real number.) O'malley lead the rest of the efforts for the Bucks, with a eye-popping stat of zero air balls and 18 points. The Bucks ran the scoreboard up to 116 points before the corrupt management shut down the game. Records were broken, money was lost, and tears were shed. Next week the Bucks go up against the Heat, 6pm at Lincoln Middle School.
Power Rankings:
1) Bucks (2:1 odds)
2) Heat (2:1 odds)
3) Grizzlies (3:1 odds)
4) Liam O'Connell (2:1 odds)
5) Twolves (14:1 odds)
6) Sonics (15:1 odds)
7) 76ers (10:1 odds)
8) Lakers (12:1 odds)
9) Pooicans (20:1 odds)
10) Rockets (980:1 odds)
11) Kings (40:1 odds)
12) Nuggets (?:1 odds)
Anger Management Rankings
1) Pooicans
2) Rockets
3) Sonics
4) Twolves
5) Heat
6) Jazz
7) 76ers
8) Bucks
9) Grizzlies
10) Lakers
11) Kings
12) Nuggets
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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