Bear Attacks Plummet in Michigan's U.P.

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A new study from the "Battle Over Our Bears Service" has found that the possibility of encountering or being in an altercation with a bear of any kind in Michigan's U.P. is virtually non-existent. Lead by researchers Jermaine Whyte, Alicia Pine, and John Ti. Whyte, Pine, and Ti are all former graduates of Lake Superior State University, residing in Sault St. Marie. "This appears to be due to multiple factors, including the aggressiveness and population size of the local black bears" the article states. After 12 years of trapping, tagging, and tracking as many bears as possible, the data appears to suggest that the clawed beasts actually avoid human contact at all costs. Further studies also show that highly populated areas such as resorts and cabins have been bear free for decades.

We sat down with local bear ranch owner, Jacob Oswald of Oswald's Bear Ranch, to ask what might have caused this dramatic shift in bear attacks. "The development of a new form of bear spray (in which the spray is applied to one's own body in a way similar to mosquito spray) has lead to a massive drop in bear encounters" Jacob claims. "In tests performed here at the bear ranch, anyone who entered the bear containment zone while utilizing the bear spray saw instant results as bears would turn and run the other way". Oswald also suggests that the new rise in popularity of bright and colorful clothing seems to repel the bears. "Especially shoes," Jacob mentioned "any bright colored shoes had a nearly 90 effectiveness rating." These are still dangerous creatures, however, and a healthy respect for these beasts is still the best policy. "It is still possible a bear may defend itself if caught off-guard in a strange situation, such as running towards it with your phone trying to take a picture" he warns. So tourists with an extra side of crazy may still need to pay attention to their surroundings.
Oswald had one last piece of advice for any future adventurers: "Watch out for cougars!" While it is true bears are no longer of major concern, cougars are still quite dangerous and do reside in the U.P. in small pockets. Research has been done on a cougar spray, but has only proven effective in repelling cougars in malls and the local gym.

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.

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