Breaking: Mother Nature, Corporations change mind in response to climate strike.
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Students across the country walked out of school Friday, Mar. 15 as a protest of climate change, and, astoundingly, someone actually listened.
“I saw all those kids filing out of their third period english class, and that’s when it hit me,” said Exxon Mobil CEO Darren Woods. “I realized that instead of continuing my business, I just, like, shouldn’t.”
Woods, 53, has worked in the oil business for over 20 years, and has heard his fair share of criticisms toward the industry.
“I’ve heard and seen it all: lawsuits, pickets, regulations, but these kids, that’s something different,” Woods said. “I can’t believe they would skip school and risk detention just to make this point about the climate. That’s when I knew, there needed to be a change.”
Woods immediately dissolved his company, which made $268 billion in 2017, making it the fifth largest of its kind in the world. Others, such as Amin Nasser, CEO of oil company Saudi Aramco, followed suit soon after.
However, there was one even more influential figure who was swayed by the strike: Mother Nature.
“I just saw all these children, and that’s when I realized that there was a problem. Climate change isn’t all based on humans,” said the personification of all of Nature itself. Mother Nature, upon witnessing the strike, proceeded to “turn off” climate change. “I began by unextinctifying certain species that I deemed crucial: coral, bees, and dodos. Then, I lowered greenhouse gasses back to normal levels.”
Mother Nature, 14.6 billion, had never realized that climate change was an issue in the past.
“I guess there was just never any awareness of it. And obviously that’s what these kids were going for, since it’s not like striking for climate change can do much of anything else,” the personification said, “At least that’s what I thought.”
Spearheading the demonstration was Nobel Peace Prize nominee Greta Thunberg. Thunberg, 16, declined to comment on the impact of her idea. The event had attendees from all walks of life.
“It was just a really amazing experience to be a part of something with such a huge impact on, like, the world,” said protestor Emma Johnson, a student attending Lincoln High School. “Also, I hadn’t posted on my Instagram in such a long time, and this was a great chance for me to post a cute pic (sic) with my friends,” Johnson continued, “We all had our posters, it was adorable!”
The event was, by all means, a success. Not only did it cause people to stop polluting and Mother Nature to use her omnipotence to reverse the causes of climate change, everyone got some nice social media content. Students across the globe now look forward to the next chance to really make a difference by skipping school.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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