House League Postseason Edition: Junior Nerds Reign Supreme

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Shoutout to Dihu and his terrific staff for putting together yet another year of this league. What a great example of good commissioning and officiating. From hardo commissioners, to clueless referees, to uneven schedules, this league had it all.

At the end of the day, the inner competition of this league made it like no other. I presume majority were glad that they played. Unfortunately, it turns out that the best team is not taking home the title; shoutout to the Jazz for fucking this one up. The Grizzlies making a championship run is just another example of the collusion in this league and how poorly it was ran.

So without further ado, I will get into end of the year team reviews/rankings and player awards, voted on by a committee of qualified officials. (With no relation to the corrupt Park Ridge Park District)

12th Place- Rockets (1-9, first round playoff exit): What a disgusting year for these young children who barely meet the qualifications for a team. When they weren’t losing, they were throwing chairs, swearing at league officials, or starting fights with people that they have no business starting fights with. Their season was highlighted by a shocking two point victory against the Kings, and ended without a blowout loss in the first round against the 76ers. It would be a shame for all parties if these guys decide to sign up next year.
Team MVP: Jack Gorman

11th Place- Nuggets (1-9, first round playoff exit): A truly remarkable season for the Nugs. Against all odds, they got the job done. A fucking win. Lets go. They may have suffered through four years of house league struggles, but they had one heaping heck of a time doing it! I am not sure if the Grizzlies will get a parade for their title, but these Nuggets will absolutely be organizing one for their groundbreaking win against the Rockets.
Team MVP: Connor Alcock

10th Place- Pooicans (3-7, first round playoff exit): The Pooicans really lived up to their name this year, after actually declining in wins from last years league. (Given one of their three wins was due to forfeit). Drew Latrielle just wasn’t the same after sustaining many injuries, and Bauer and the energizer bunny struggled to put the ball in the hole with such a weak supporting cast. Their many losses were filled with superb amount of rage, and their wins were nothing special to say the least. It seems the only strong link to this team was all-star PF Owen Kopka, who averaged an outstanding 34.6 PPG. Their sub-par season was ended with an ugly looking loss to the Sonics in the first round.
Team MVP: Owen Kopka

9th Place- Timberwolves (3-7, first round playoff exit): There is a clear reason why these boys did not succeed this year: They hate each other. These guys made it clear by yelling at each other throughout the entirety of every game. They even had to play defense on their own players sometimes. Hate to see that, sorry Schimpf. This below average season came shy of expectations, as they were bounced by the Kings in the first round. However, they didn’t go out without a fight, literally. It wouldn’t be like the unanimous champions of the anger-management rankings to go the last five minutes of the season without a fight and a rage fest. It was excitingly capped off with quite the brawl between Carlo Kwon and McNulty, while Colin Frink had to be escorted out of the gym in a United Airlines fashion, after rage throwing 12 chairs onto the court. On the bright side however, these guys lead the league in chairs thrown, arguments with the ref, and outright profanity. S/O to the TimberWolves.
Team MVP: Henry Hoelscher

8th Place- Kings (5-6, second round playoff exit): A roller coaster of a season for the passionate Kings team. No one really understands them. They beat 2/4 of the final four competitors, but somehow found their way to take a tumble in games against the Rockets and the Sonics, and even let up 116+ points to the Bucks. Sean Bauer and Sean Majerczak’s crazy three’s against all odds helped push them past the good teams, while Scuras and the second line found their way to fold games against the bad. The Kings season was capped off with a solid first round Twolves victory, but short lasted as they were stomped by the Grizzlies in round two. They will surely bring decent competition next year.
Team MVP: Sean Bauer

7th Place- Sonics (5-6, second round playoff exit): The Sonics are the epitome of average, looked at from every possible way. They simply beat the teams ranked lower and lost to the those ranked higher. They thought they were good the whole year, which actually means nothing, but whatever makes these guys sleep at night. Their offseason was highlighted with a narrow victory against the Pooicans and a nail biting loss against the Jazz. Jay Walsh lead this team with 813 attempted field goals, but only a humble two attempts in the postseason after captain Brennan Dombro ever so aggresively put him in his place. These guys NEED Skoronski next year or else they’re in for a similar season.
Team MVP: Nicolas George

6th Place- Lakers (6-5, second round playoff exit): Nothing much to say here. The two man wrecking crew in Teahan and Sacor was enough to put these guys above the “average” mark, but their supporting cast outside those two could be quite possibly the worst in house league history. They didn’t even show up most of the time. Their short postseason berth was marked by a narrow win against the Nuggets (wtf??) followed by a bare ass spanking against the Bucks in the second round. The Lake show better have their eyes on Kilburg and Tyler Houck for free agency.
Team MVP: Aidan Teahan

5th Place- Heat (6-5, second round playoff exit): Sixth place to fifth is where the men separated themselves from the boys. But with that being said, it would be an understatement to say that the Heat didn’t live up to expectations. Joe Devereux was arguably the best in the league, and Halvorsen had to at least be runner up in rebounds, but these guys just couldn’t get past Tone Pabon’s brutal injury that occured only a few weeks back. When Buggy was outcoached in the second round of the playoffs, he had this to say: “Losing Tone in week 7 was detrimental to this team’s cameraderie and overall performance: a mental block, so to speak.” Although Pabon returned for the playoffs, this team just wasn’t the same. Fifth place is not how these guys wanted to hang up their jerseys.

4th Place- 76ers (7-5, Final Four Loss): What an unfortunate ending to the team that battled through the upmost adversity. Their Peter James-less regular season proved that they were seemingly average. Their resume was nothing shy of decent as fuck. However, these boys beat the Heat against all odds, and were even robbed of a championship berth due to the clueless staff of the Park District. During the semi-final matchup against the Grizzlies, they were up four with only seconds left, until Ben Triffo tackled Chuckie Secor and somehow got four free throws for his own team. This call basically won the game for the Grizzlies and ended the Sixers run. The short black ref defended his decision postgame by saying “It’s tough for me to get my dick wet nowadays, if all I have to do is give the Grizzlies a couple of free throws, then I’ll take it.”
Tough break for the Sixers.
Team MVP: Sean Kelly

3rd Place- Bucks (9-3, Final Four Loss): It was a tough finish for the fan favorites. What seemed to be a prosperous roster that would be lead to nothing short of a championship run, came up short due to strictly corruption. Hajiharris and Corcoran proved that they were indeed the biggest recruits to be landed, Corcoran even breaking the record for most points in one game (52) and topping the league out in 3-Pt Percentage. But their postseason run didn’t last as long as it should’ve, as their final four venture against the Jazz proved fatal. Some blame this loss on the defensive pressure and highly structured offense of the Jazz, but others blame the refs. After a couple words with Brander after this game, the big black ref was quoted saying, “I have to be the worst ref to ever step on any basketball court ever. I don’t even know the rules of the game. Go Jazz!”
Team MVP: Mikey Hajiharris

2nd Place- Jizz (10-3, Championship Loss): Excluding a inexcusable loss on Championship Wednesday, what a great season for the Soccer creeps that call themselves the “Jazz”. Liam really proved to not be the whole team, as Byron and Donovan proved to be huge factors. Outside of those three, they really didn’t have a weak link; no one plays better team basketball than them. With that being said, they couldn’t hang with Triffo and the boys when it came down to it. Maybe that’s what happens when you play soccer. An unsuccessful season for the Jizz, as they are named house league runner-ups yet again.
Team MVP: Michael Byron

“1st Place”- Grizzlies (12-1, Championship win): What a year for the underdogs, who can now call themselves champions. Lead by team Captain Jim Dihu, the Grizzlies made a point during the regular season, beating qualified opponents such as the Rockets, Nuggets, Pooicans and Twolves! They had enough convincing victories to score a 1 seed for the postseason, where the collusion really began. In the semi-final matchup against the 76ers, as stated earlier, Triffo raged enough to start a benches clearing brawl, but no charges were brought against him or his team. Next thing you know, they were in the ‘ship against the might Jizz. I must say though, they really did catch the ever so cocky Jazz off guard in that game, as Triffo posterized his way to 25 points in a narrow two point victory. An email chain between Dihu and Triffo was leaked after the championship game, one of them reading this:
“Thank you, Ben, for all of the slurpees you have gone out of your way to get me this year. I hope you enjoy your championship win, I won’t let you guys lose. Hopefully your shirt size is Adult Large.”
The lesson learned here? Sometimes cheaters do win. Congrats to Jake Biederman and the Grizzlies.
Team MVP: Jim Dihu


Awards:

League MVP: Michael Byron
Playoff MVP: Ben Triffo


First team all house league:
1) Michael Byron
2) Joe Devereux
3) Mikey Hajiharris
4) Kevin Corcoran
5) Ben Triffo

Second team all house league:
1) Tommy Brander
2) Aidan Teahan
3) Liam O’Connell
4) Sean Kelly
5) Matt Herguth

Third team all house league:
1) Nicolas George
2) Sean Bauer
3) Harry Donovan
4) Connor Alcock
5) Danny Wolf

First team all anger management:
1) Ben Triffo
2) Neil Lewis
3) Colin Frink
4) Dylan Clifford
5) Patrick Burke

Second team all anger management:
1) Kevin McNulty
2) Finn Bauer
3) Pat Hoffman
4) Sean O’Brien
5) Henry Hoelscher

First Team All Hardo:
1) Big Black Ref
2) Short Black Ref
3) White mustache ref
4) Zach Elder
5) Robbie Bosco

Worst Ref of the Year: Big Black Ref
Runner up - Short black Ref

Written and edited by 2x Unanimous MVP Tommy Brander. It was a true pleasure being your go-to source for all things house league basketball these last 2.5 years. I now pass the torch to whoever feels qualified for what this league brings next year.

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.

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