Could LaBron's Hairline Be Causing Free Agency Futility?

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Michael Oswalt - ESPN

It is no secret that since Lebron James has become a Los Angeles Laker, the free agency success of the franchise has been sub-par. For many years, Laker nation has had no problem attracting the NBA's most coveted free agents. And their percentage of landing those players has always been way above average and almost unfair. Until recently.

Since acquiring King James on July 2, 2018, the franchise has sought at least 4 other high profile free agents and have gone 0-4. Predictably, the brunt of the blame has been placed on Lebron James. He's a cry-baby, He's a "coach killer", He wants all the attention, and He's washed up or over the hill are many of the fan-manufactured "explanations" that have steered NBA superstars away from the City of Angels. False, false and FALSE.

However, sources say that the 4-time league MVP should bear some of the blame and some would say it is unfair. Or is it?

Whispers about Lebron's hairline started as soon as the superstar joined the Lakers last summer. Reports say that some of the front office staff started referring to him as "asshead" because there were rumors that he tried to re-build his hair recession through follicle implants from his buttocks. When interviewed off the record, a Laker administrator stated that, "...players around the league are concerned about sharing a locker room with another player that goes through such extraordinary lengths to hide a deficiency. What else is he hiding?"

When first presented with this idea, I was tickled. Laughing it off, I thought, "This can't be true." My amusement soon turned to amazement when I presented the idea to a current player and former teammate of Lebron James. Under the promise of anonymity, he opened up about the dilemma James causes and specifically with the Lakers organization.

"If you think about it, all the greats 'made the right decision' about their hairlines. Jordan, Kobe, Shaq, Barkley. The only one who delayed was Jabbar. But he eventually stopped hiding." He contiued, "If a player can't be honest with himself about his hairline, then how can he be honest with his teammates? Our wives? Our children? I don't know how true it is, but I've heard that Delonte West did what he did because he couldn't trust Lebron."

Regardless of how absurd this theory sounded to me, I had to dig deeper. And the more I examined the idea, the more validity it started having. How could something that seemed so inconsequential as a player's hairline hold the future of an NBA franchise?

I'd long heard the rumors about the strife Magic Johnson and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar had gone through at the end of their 10-year championship run. I was just now uncovering the possible source of the friction. There were reports that Magic stopped referring to Jabbar as "big fella" and replaced the moniker with "big yella", a double entendre play on Jabbar's skin tone and the fact that he was afraid to go bald. In fact there were rumors that, after the Lakers' devastating Western Conference loss to Houston in 1986, Pat Riley was contemplating trading Kareem.

"Magic wanted him out. He didn't think a 'head cul-de-sac' had any place on the squad. And as we all know, Kareem eventually cut that sh*t off his head". The source went on to say, "There was a lot of negativity surrounding the hairline thing. Jordan got the memo early and did the right thing. All you have to do is look at some of that early footage, MJ was toeing a dangerous line. He got it right though. Lebron just doesn't get it and until he does, no other star is gonna play with him. Mark my words!"

I didn't make sense to me, and still doesn't. However, I'm not the one that the Lakers are courting. We shall see.

( At the time I published this article, the Lakers still had not landed a "top-tier" free agent.)

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.

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