Beto O'Rourke to launch failed bid for U.N. Secretary-General

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EL PASO, TEXAS - Campaign officials announced Friday that former congressman Beto O'Rourke, currently a candidate for the Democratic nomination for the 2020 United States presidential election, is going to drop out in order to focus on a doomed campaign to be selected as the Secretary-General of the United Nations in 2021.

After achieving the unprecedented milestone of almost being a top contender for the Democratic presidential nomination, in addition to his previous success in almost taking Ted Cruz's seat in the Senate, O'Rourke plans to capitalize on his surge in popularity by lobbying key officials in the governments of the fifteen member states of the UN Security Council, where he hopes to position himself as a serious contender for a long period of time and eventually obtain four or possibly even five member votes out of the nine required for selection.

"What we are going to do here is continue Beto's proven track record of failing upwards," said campaign manager Jen O'Malley Dillon. "Ever since his abortive stint as a rock musician, and through his failed business career, he has demonstrated a unique talent for almost achieving great things. Now that he has successfully attempted to compete for the position of President of the United States, there's only one thing left for him to pursue - leadership of an immense international organization."

Some independent observers are skeptical of the new plan. FiveThirtyEight analyst Nathaniel Rakich doesn't see a clear route for O'Rourke to almost become UN Secretary-General. "While we can definitely count on O'Rourke being a second- or third-favorite in Washington, officials in other countries likely won't be as familiar with his rich experience of lost elections," he said. "The most likely scenario is that he actually doesn't come close to being a frontrunner in the first place. I say he'll be featured in five editorials tops."

But O'Rourke's campaign has emphasized that the composition of the Security Council in 2021 is not currently known and it may have a large number of newer, younger countries who will be more amenable to Beto's youthful appeal. "While most of the permanent council members won't take him seriously in the first place, he could potentially be considered by officials in many non-permanent member governments, assuring him substantial media coverage for many months before inevitably being eliminated from the selection process," said Dillon.

These considerations have been considered by investors who are just now competing in a betting market over Beto's prospects. On Betfair, the former congressman is currently given a 46 chance of not dropping out or being rejected until after June 30, 2021.

But even if O'Rourke doesn't get this far, his career is far from over. Inside sources from numerous other Democratic presidential campaigns have hinted that, in the event of a victory in 2020, they would be willing to almost consider appointing Beto to a key cabinet position.

- Kyle Bogosian

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.

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