Local Dog Embarrassed to S**t In Front Yard
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Topher Maxwell, a local golden retriever, has been reported to be “Sick and tired of sh**ting in front of everyone.” With the matter being investigated thoroughly, we found that Maxwell has been subjected to defecating on his own front lawn since he was adopted.
“Everything was going great until I turned 2. My old owners had this beautiful back yard out by crystal lake. I could chew my toys, lick my a*s, and bark at the neighbour dogs for hours on end. You know, just plain dog stuff. Then I turned 2 and they treated me like a problem.” We were able to reach out to his previous owners who claimed Topher grew to be a problem as he got older.
Between his energetic personality and his loud barking, they “just didn’t have the time needed that he deserved.” Topher was adopted to family of 5 living right on Madison Street in Beaver Dam.
After being adopted, Topher was “very pissed off” at his old owners. “The kibbles and bits weren’t savory salmon anymore, they were making me eat that grass-fed chicken bulls**t, and to make it worse, I shit in the front lawn for the whole community to watch” We were in awe at Topher’s ability to eloquently communicate his displeasure with the new situation. We decided to reach out to his new family to understand the dilemma better.
We knocked on his front door and waited a minute before being greeted by 38 year old construction manager, Jason Willison. Willison was happy to give us a background on Topher’s hardship. “ Ehh ya know, we really hate to make the dude s**t out front, but we just got the place in June and the backyard is just beautiful. My kids love to play back there but they’d always come in caked in s**t all over their back and shoes” It was either them or the dog. So we sent him to the front yard”. This decision didn’t roll over well with Topher. Topher claimed, “ I wasn’t the one rollin those crotch goblins in feces, I didn’t make them step in it. Its ridiculous. My pa always told me, “ ya gotta go , then ya gotta go” So Id drop a deuce right by the back steps. Now I gotta worry about harassment from adults and teenagers alike- Every single time I s**t!” We were sympathetic for the golden retriever, we certainly wouldn’t be pooping in our front yard. Not finished yet, Topher exclaimed, “ Just last week a car of 3 or 4 high schoolers passed while I was mid-loaf in the front yard. They all rolled down the window and pointed right at me! One even yelled out, “ Nice rope you’re droppin, f**khead!” And that was enough for me. I started goin behind the bushes. Im ‘bout to bite my leash off and go feral. Its f**kin embarrassing. “
Well, Topher. We certainly feel for you. In a world of bullies and jerks, it’s certainly no pleasure spending your most intimate moments in the open air for everyone to see. Between disgusted looks from the neighbors and discouraging words from the young, Topher has become timid and withdrawn in his ability to freely poop.
In a few months we will follow up with Topher to see how his situation is affected by the winter.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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