The Season Has Arrived: House League Basketball
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Christmas season is over but with January upon us it seems like the biggest present is still under the tree: House League Basketball season. I hope the Lincoln gymnasium is prepared for nine weeks of pure competition. The offseason was full of influential roster moves and heated pick up games at the CC and FFC. The offseason also saw the farewell to some wonderful house league legends. We can be assured that college intramural games got a great addition with those players. Specifically, the Park Ridge Park District said goodbye to Thomas Brander: a true pioneer in the sport. I will truly miss his spirited banter with refs and constant comical relief every Sunday. With that being said, I am honored to take on his role for writing weekly articles. Now let’s see the caliber of teams we are working with.
Magic - led by Gio Paganis, this team is a collection of a bunch of gym rats who create life-long enemies whenever they enter a pick up game. The Magic is also the only team with 10 players which automatically makes me skeptical. To have 10 players means you were too soft to tell people they can’t be on the team, therefore; they are gonna have some slackers. This team may do well against some burnt out 26 year olds at the gym but I doubt they will hold up on Sunday afternoons.
Trailblazers - this team is the early favorite to wear the black shirts at then end of the season. With Dombro leading the charge this team has defense that can’t be matched by another squad. Jason Foster told me, “I once looked at Ben Triffo in the hallways and he immediately started crying.” If this team can use defense to propel their offense it will be dangerous.
Thunder - led by Eoin Hopkins, who left the defending champs, this team is tall but has no scorers. Hoffman is a bad man and will torment some teams but this team has three centers and no scorers. With that being said, Hunter Palandri is on the team and that gives them extra points for intimidation.
Hornets - I think everyone can agree that this team will always be the Kings. Dihu decided to pull a fast one and give the notorious Kings name to a bunch of junior goons. With the name change came a change in players too. Jay Walsh and Peter Skoronski (go cats) have been added to the team which should scare people. If anyone even touches Skoronski, Alex Spanos will be called immediately and your ass will be knocked to the other side of Talcott. The Hornets are decent and have scorers, for sure a team to be considered.
Bobcats (defending champs) - the loss of Hopkins is HUGE. That man got boards and played some white man fundamental basketball. They replaced him with an eastern european volleyball player, John Rzepnekownowaski. Rzepnekownowaski knows no english at the moment and when given a basketball at any point he spikes it into the ground. This team is early contender for anger management leader, Triffo will be grazed on the knee and throw hands. Defending champs deserve respect but the loss of Hopkins is bigger than people realize.
Kings (fake news) - this team is unofficially sponsored by CNN for their actions in stealing the rightful team name of the boys on the Hornets. Aidan Mannix has some luxurious lettuce and has been on a podcast so he’s cool but the rest of the team is iffy. They may beat some junior squads but nothing more than that.
Heat - we can expect an instagram to be made for this team within 72 hours. With Teahan and Sacor leading the team it makes em dangerous but history has proven that this team simply does not show up. Like they actually do not come to the games. If that can be solved they have a hell of a lot of talent and can be contenders.
Clippers - I’m not sure this team has a player over the height of 5’6”. If I’m wrong please email me at [email protected] Games against this squad are unofficial bye weeks.
Nuggets - only junior team that can keep up with the seniors. Thanks to Coach Lav’s constant cycling of good players out of the MSBB system they are pretty good. Lack of experience in the league is the biggest issue, I expect some good games but some bad ones as well.
Celtics - another solid junior squad with Cwertniak and Hansen leading the way. But just like most junior teams, I expect some overconfidence. Haven’t seen many of them grinding at the CC or FFC which is a sign of some bad basketball to come.
This season is going to be a hoot starting with week 1. Four of the best teams are capping off the night; Dihu wasn’t taking his time in letting the big dawgs have a cage match. Looking forward to this one.
Power Rankings:
1 - Trailblazers
2 - Bobcats
3 - Hornets
4 - Heat
5 - Nuggets
6 - Thunder
7 - Magic
8 - Kings
9 - Celtics
10 - Clippers
Anger Management Rankings:
TBD
Week 1 Matchups:
4 PM - Celtics vs. Magic
5 PM - Nuggets vs. Trailblazers
6 PM - Clippers vs. Thunder
7 PM - Heat vs. Hornets
8 PM - Kings vs. Bobcats
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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