Week 1: Heat SHOW UP, Blazers prove the hype and Cwertniak is a MAN

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Lincoln gym is home to house league games once again. With week 1 over each team showed their true talent and ability. Some dominated, others underachieved, and a few threw a pissy fit. Needless to say it was refreshing to spend an afternoon watching some good ole’ basketball.

Celtics (1-0) v. Magic (0-1) - Every team is playing chess except these teams, they are playing checkers. It was honestly a shame that the beloved house league season was kicked off with this pillow fight. Celtics held a lead for a while and almost gave it away towards the end but stuck with it. Gio Paganis straight up had 11 turnovers and got so rattled by the crowd. Mike Cwertniak is a legend in the making; he hit three clutch free throws to close out the game while also avoiding a nip slip.

Nuggets (0-1) v. Blazers (1-0) - Brosnan is a hardo. This game was the official start of the house league season as two decent teams went at it. Unfortunately Kracik wasn’t there so the Nuggets were short handed the whole game. The Blazers were led by the offensive fire of Nicolas George and Brennan Dombro. They also got on the offensive boards and played some shut down defense. Other than Brosnan being a hot head, the Nuggets are decent. Leyden won’t be there the whole season but when Kracik decides to skip his winter baseball workouts they will be good. Blazers proved their themself as the number one seed.

Clippers (0-1) v. Thunder (1-0) - It’s hard to tell if the Thunder are good or if the Clippers just absolutely suck. I think it’s a little bit of both. As predicted, Eoin Hopkins went off and scored 22 points while being backed up by Ethan Quinn’s 20 points. Clippers do indeed have two players over the height of 5’6” but that didn’t seem to help them; they are still the unofficial bye week of the league. Thunder proved they are a lot better than people think but that won’t truly be tested until they play a semi-decent team.

Heat (1-0) v. Hornets (0-1) - This was the true prime time NBC game. Two of the top teams meeting at 7 pm week 1. And the game did not disappoint. Teahan proved himself as the early favorite for MVP as he dropped 22 points. But the true theme of this game was the underutilized talent of the Hornets as Lazar Marsenic and Peter Skoronski found themselves on the bench for the last 5 minutes. To have your two best players on the bench for the most important time of the game is a complete lack in coaching. This proves that coaching isn’t for sitting on the bench and looking pretty; coaching is for paying attention to rotation and yelling “brick.” The Heat proved themselves as they actually showed up but rumor has is that showing up won’t be consistent for the team. Shoutout to their insta page tho, toss em a follow if you want pictures of Dan Lazic airballing in your feed.

Kings (fake news) (0-1) v. Bobcats (1-0) - hot take: Bobcats are overrated. This game was severely disappointing to anyone who was graced with the opportunity to watch it. They were a combined 0-30 from the 3 point arc for both teams. Paul Schmit scored more than half the Bobcats points which is a sign of how influential their loss of Hopkins is. John Rzepnekownowaski, the foreign exchange student from socialist Poland, had to attend the National Pierogi Convention and was therefore not able to attend the game. Doubtful that Rzepnekownowaski will do anything to benefit the struggling defending champs. Triffo claims, “This game was just a warm-up, we will be back and better next week”. I call bullshit. Also, the Kings formally ended their sponsorship with CNN because of growing tensions with Don Lemon. They are expected to wear MSNBC jerseys next week to continue the “fake news” cycle.

Overall, week 1 answered some questions and showed some gaps within teams. Week 1 also showed who really has anger management. This year I will be doing anger management on an individual basis because that seems most appropriate.

Power Rankings:
1. Trailblazers
2. Heat
3. Hornets
4. Thunder
5. Bobcats
6. Nuggets
7. Celtics
8. Kings
9. Magic
10. Clippers

Anger Management:
1. Justin Brosnan
2. Jay Walsh
3. Abraham Tsehaye
4. Ben Triffo
5. The author of this wonderful article

Week 2:
4 pm - Clippers v. Celtics
5 pm - Magic v Nuggets
6 pm - Heat v. Trailblazers
7 pm - Kings v. Thunder
8 pm - Bobcats v. Thunder

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.

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