Remember the Legend
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“I'll do whatever it takes to win games, whether it's sitting on a bench waving a towel, handing a cup of water to a teammate, or hitting the game-winning shot” Kobe Bryant. It seems wrong to start this article is any way other than recognizing the legend himself. I think we all thought some TMZ reporter was fucking with us when we read the tweet “BREAKING: Kobe Bryant Has Died In A Helicopter Crash.” But it wasn’t joke. This will be remembered as the biggest and most tragic sports news event of our lifetime, no doubt. It will now hit differently when we roll up a piece of notes in math class and say “Kobe” as we drain it into the trash bin. Billy Joel said it right, “Only the Good Die Young”. In the wake of this, we got to play some good ole’ basketball in his honor. The first three games failed to do that but the last two would have made Mamba proud. As the season is heading towards the heart we are now recognizing the pure shit, the overrated, underrated and the power houses.
Kings (1-2) v. Celtics (3-0) - Cwiertniak is still a man if you were wondering. After upsetting the Thunder this could have been a huge game for the Kings to swing their season around but they failed to do that. Although, Celtics did not have complete control as the Kings stuck around with some help from Emmet Henehan. But after a strange chain of events which ended with the shoe of Johnny Ciprian somewhere in the rafters the Celtics pulled away. Jack Sullivan claims to be making a run at coach of the year and if these Celtics keep it up he may be correct. Nah I’m joking, I would never give it to a ginger, lol.
Heat (2-1) v. Nuggets (0-3) - It was nice to have a full Heat squad out there on the court. Hayes and Teahan especially showed up, each dropping 15 points. But this doesn’t really prove much for the Heat; it more proves that Nuggets are right there on the bottom with the Clippers. Heat need to play a decent and they missed that opportunity last week. Brosnan is still a hardo tho.
Clippers (0-3) v. Magic (2-1) - Someone please let me know how the hell it is possible to lose to Paganis and the boys by 41 points. Magic have been a surprise this season with some decent shooters carrying but the Clippers are just terrible. They would have a competitive game with the 7th grade Lincoln girls team. They have held up their end of being the “unofficial bye week” with no questions asked. Alec Nissen said, “When I signed up I thought it was $175 donation to Park Ridge, if I knew it was basketball I wouldn’t have signed up. I’m so bad at basketball”.
Blazers (3-0) v. Bobcats (2-1) - 7pm was the official start of the basketball day. This was the 1 and 2 teams getting after it and proving their might. John Rzepnekownowaski finally found the gym after translating his Google Maps app into polish; he didn’t contributed much other than a ugly ass 3 pointer that went in cutoristy of the Eastern European Gods. Biederman bitch slapped Peter Pasieka like six times and creepily smiled after each one, kind of concerning. Luke Martin played his heart out once again, proving he deserves to be in the MVP talk. But that wasn’t enough, with the Blazers proving their 1 spot to be legit. JJ Foster came up big with a couple three's and Brennan Dombro kept chugging along like he always be. Nicolas George played what is now being called the “Wisdom teeth game” as he showed up despite his puffed cheeks, much respect. The Blazers won because of two things: offensive rebounds and defense. This may be annoying to some teams but hustle is rewarded and that seems just. This may be a precursor to the Championship game come March.
Thunder (2-1) v. Hornets (0-3) - It hurts to say it but the Hornets are a disappointment. They have had by far the hardest schedule but still, they are winless. They look like 5 different players each playing their own game; there is no chemistry or team spirit. Niko Koupas hustles like no other though. Thunder showed up with the help of little Hopkins. And although Skoronski almost suplexed him, he played alright. But overall, this game did not look like a battle between two senior teams. It was ugly, low scoring, and disappointing. Kings are going to drop low in the power rankings and their season looks dim as they head into their easy schedule. Thunder looked messy but adequate. Hunter made a three which made the crowd go crazy, even the ref couldn’t believe it. Also, Harrison Harms is thirsty to be on the Anger Management list, he was quoted “Man what do I gotta do. I’ll knock out Tommy Brander every time he screams ‘brick’ if that’s what it takes.”
As we head into week 4 the competition seems to be weakening. But that seems to be a common theme; with the nail biters come the 30 point blowouts. Next week will be earlier games due to some rugby game going on later in the night. Jimmy G by 90. RIP Kobe.
Power Rankings:
1. Blazers
2. Heat
3. Bobcats
4. Celtics
5. Thunder
6. Magic
7. Kings (fake news)
8. Hornets
9. Nuggets
10. Clippers
Anger Management:
Justin Brosnan
Jake Biederman
Eoin Hopkins
Harrison Harms
Brendan Mullen
Ben Triffo
The author of this article
Next week:
12 pm - Kings v Clippers
1 pm - Blazers v Thunder
2 pm - Hornets v Celtics
3 pm - Magic v Heat
4 pm - Bobcats v Nuggets
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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