Coronavirus Case Linked to Pacifica State Beach
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San Mateo County health officials have reported the first case of Coronavirus early this morning. The case is believed to be linked to Pacifica State Beach, a popular surfing destination south of San Francisco. Health officials believe the individual who contracted the virus, Linda Lopez, was surfing in Pacifica shortly before contracting the virus. Lopez, better known as 'The Dock Hag' by local surfers, was seen resembling a beached whale near the drain pipe at the south end of the beach before being taken to the hospital.
"Its no joke," says local surf legend Josh 'John John Slater' Peck. "This kind of thing can keep you out of the water and have a serious impact on your health."
Peck is no stranger to contracting water-borne viruses. He contracted SARS in 2003 when learning to surf in the Great Lakes at the young age of four. The illness has left him without hearing in his left ear, an ailment he says still affects him in and out of the water.
"Sometimes I can't really hear out there in the lineup or on a wave. It has gotten me into some hairy situations, dude," says Peck.
Peck is likely referring to an incident that happened in December of last year at the popular surf spot T-Street in San Clemente. Surfer magazine covered the incident in their exclusive in-depth article titled: ‘How Localism and Mediocre Surfers are A Dangerous Mix”. Surfer Magazine reports that Peck and another surfer, Alden “Aldong” Tatem got into a heated altercation during the session. Surfer Magazine correspondent Evan Austin was on the scene and recalls the incident:
“Peck dropped into a wave Aldong was already on, and Dong tried to call him off. Peck turned, saw Aldong, then smiled and winked before continuing to pump down the wave. This really set Aldong off. I couldn’t really see it all from the exit hole of my flawless head-high barrel, but it looked like things might turn violent there for a moment.”
Luckily, Peck narrowly escaped unscathed from the beach, leaving Tatem fuming in the shallows.
“Aldongs been known to lose his cool, but that day was just over the top,” says Austin.
Tatem was later allegedly seen by multiple witnesses exposing himself to a group of children next to an ice cream truck. “What kids? You’ve never seen an angry dick before??!” Tatem yelled at the children, while completely naked save an ice cream cone in his right hand.
San Mateo News attempted to contact Tatem via phone, email and Grindr, however we have yet to receive a comment(*). As of the writing of this article, San Clemente Police Department has an active warrant out for Tatem’s arrest.
(*) Tatem replied to our Grindr inquiry with a picture of his penis with the caption “Here’s the Dong, cum get it boys”.
(*) When attempting to call Tatem’s work, a secretary directed us to the office of Ruben Cocksmith, the same lawyer handling Michael Bloomberg’s sexual assault cases.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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