**BREAKING NEWS** Bruins to move to Cincinnati, OH
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
2059 77823 Shares
In a surprise move following their first round playoff loss, an anonymous source within top tier management for the Boston Bruins has confirmed there are plans to move the team to middle America, Cincinnati, OH.
This comes amid a myriad of locker room rumors including the latest of a secret underground "ferret fighting" ring constructed near the zamboni maintenance area by the Czech and Finnish members of the squad.
Our source stated "Amid these allegations, the team has decided to move to a more conservative environment in Ohio to allow for the players to live a more reasonable and moral existence. The hectic big city life of Boston just has too many pitfalls in our narrow, nonsensical streets layout"
He further went on to expound upon the likelihood of increased exposure and coordination of events with Jergens lotion whose headquarters in the Queen City has been a source of local enjoyment.
"Free hand lotion and massage days are a local favorite with road weary truck drivers and women lacking the means to enjoy Jergens products outside of such events."
When asked if the proposal to rename the team after local legend Harambe as overheard in the hallways of the teams Headquarters was met with skepticism. "While the Cincy Gorrilaz would be a marketing gem, we dont feel that would be possible at this time. The sad reality is there is alot of pain still felt and the wound too fresh to honor Harambe in such a manner."
Time will tell if this relocation will be as fruitful as planned or if the Ohio River Mudfish will be a total wash.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
Most Popular
-
1
bigfoot sighting at jackson lake campground near oak hill ohio Several eye witness reported seeing a large hairy animal of some kind near the Jackson lake campground. Local authorities are asking people to be cautious if you are planning on fishing near this area. One of the witnesses where able to snap a picture with their cell phone before the creature ran away near the Tommy Been rd area.
-
2
new york city woman loses her temper, causes black hole to swallow her entire town Anna, 26, of New York City, DC was in the middle of an argument with a colleague when her temper got so out of control, it formed a small black hole, which demolished the vast majority of her neighborhood. "I just couldn't take it anymore, and unleashed my forces at the person who was irritating me. I had no idea the energy of my rage could cause such destruction," says Anna. Despite the ruination her anger has caused, Anna says she has no regrets. "I actually wish I knew I had this ability sooner!" Anna laughs. "There are a lot of people and things I could have eradicated from my life in this way."
-
3
whale spotted in illinois river A humpback whale was spotted near Morris IL in the Illinois River today. The sighting comes just days after 2 Great White Sharks were seen frolicking in the same area. While not impossible, it does seem unlikely. It is thought that the whale may have followed the sharks as they sometimes do in the wild. The whale would of had to travel over 1250 miles to get to this location. The Marine Biologist Association will be in town for a full investigation. Until we have answers, we are asking folks to keep their pontoons and fishing boats docked.
-
4
two great white sharks found swimming in mississippi river near saint louis, missouri. While it is not entirely impossible, it is incredibly uncommon for salt water dwelling creatures to stay for lengthy periods of time in fresh water. However, two Great White Sharks have managed to survive the trip and make their way up the Mississippi River somehow. Believed to have started as a mating couple, the two are assumed to have swam the 920 mile journey from the mouth of the Mississippi River that is connected to the Gulf Of Mexico. Officials in Saint Louis have contacted the Missouri Conservation Department and will likely have a team in the river soon to capture the two lost sharks.