Congress to begin hearings on extreme fitness practices; Pres. Obama signals support for bill banning popular P90X, CrossFit, boot camps

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An election-year congress is set to open three days of hearings reviewing the safety, efficacy, and legality of so-called "extreme fitness" techniques.

"There is now a solid body of evidence that these bogus modalities are long on injury and short on effectiveness," stated Ben Halling (D-NY). "Not only do they inflict severe physical stress on participants, they promote an unhealthy competitiveness that is not conducive to sustainable, lifelong fitness."

Despite numerous studies showing both heightened risks of injury and questionable benefits as well as a growing consensus amongst exercise researchers that more conventional approaches to fitness such as yoga, Pilates, and tai chi show superior results, these unusual fitness regimens have recently exploded in popularity across the U.S.

CrossFit, for example, a mysterious, high-intensity program that has achieved a near cult-like following, has seen a 410 increase in gyms over the past five years. Clients undertake varying daily routines known as "workouts of the day" meant to induce fatigue, muscle confusion, and participant confusion.

"It's a recipe for disaster, really," claims Adam Baum, Dean of Human Physiology at the University of Northern California in San Francisco. "Unknowing citizens are literally dying for this supposedly elite fitness regime."

Bipartisan support in congress has lent itself to likely passage later in April. President Obama has affirmed strong support for such a ban, which would take effect June 31, immediately putting thousands of gyms out of business or forcing them to more standard approaches.

Predictably, not all are in favor of such a ban, and gym proprietors nationwide are gearing up for a protracted battle in courts.

"I'm over it," said Nijhma Noutfia-Brotton, co-owner of Axiom Fitness in Rancho Cucamonga, California. "What a joke."

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.

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