Chalmerica Enterprises In Crisis

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Chalmerica has been a global powerhouse since its beginnings in 2006. The company immediately caught on with a niche but international audience as the only bulk nonsense producer of its kind. Now, however, everything is on the line.

Last week Chalmerica stocks took a tumble. They opened Monday at $55/share and fell all the way to a trough of $12 by Thursday evening. It is unclear why exactly the company seems to be imploding, but we dug in to find out what is really going on. And, you guessed it, the blame game is in full effect.

Chalmerica Enterprises President and CEO Chad Paris has been at the helm for the life of the company. Recent reports indicated that his internal messaging had gotten a little stale. Speculation only increased when Dalton Moger was brought on board to beef up the executive assistant department - an addition that proved to be catastrophic. Our investigations turned up plenty of dirt on Moger. Here is just an abbreviated list of what has been reported. Moger has:

Scheduled 13 uncalled for alterations with local dry cleaning companies to adjust Mr. Paris's socks.

Ordered 10 pallets of bowling balls, all of which bear Chalmerica's trademarked logo and Moger's signature.

Attempted to establish a business partnership with the Montreal Expos.

Christian Paris, Chalmerica's CFO, is widely believed to have pushed for Moger's hiring. When we reached out to his team, Paris told us that we were fake.

We reached out to Senior Thumb Twiddler Zach Morgan for comment but he said "there's really nothing you can do".

Finally, we caught up with Annaliese Pands, a longtime customer of CE for comment. "I will continue to patronize Chalmerica Enterprises through it all. Honestly, Chalmerica is a customer service company first, and a nonsense supplier second. You can't say that about anyone else".

Chalmerica is counting on committed customers like Pands to keep itself afloat. Only time will tell.

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.

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