Niles man arrested for keistering children's candy
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The Niles Police arrested Thomas Satterthwaite at 7:45pm Wednesday evening for chasing children at Walmart in Cortland and stealing their candy then doing the unthinkable.
One of the victims mothers recalled the horrific scene as a chocolate covered shit fest. She was shopping for lunchables and her daughter was seated safely in the buggy. She suddenly heard her daughter crying. As she looked to see what was wrong she gasped in horror. A young female, vaguely remembered as Amanda was shoving a pack of twizzlers up Thomas's rectum. After, the young lady continued with a snickers bar, a pack of hoho's, and individually wrapped mini Reese's cups. According to witnesses, Thomas's reaction to the chocolate filled anal excursion was very laxidasical.
A store security guard attempted to stop the incident but was knocked unconscious by a fury of punches from Thomas as he screamed "butt candy"!
Walmart associates contacted the Warren police department for assistance. Upon arrival, Thomas and Amanda quickly fled the scene. On their way out they continued to grab candy and shove it inside Thomas' ass. The couple escaped in a white Nissan coupe.
Niles Police intercepted them at the intersection of 422 and route 46 in Niles. Surrounded, the couple exited the vehicle at gunpoint. Thomas attempted to run but was quickly tasered by Capt. Villeco. As he was tased, candy burst out of his ass. He was taken to the Niles Police Dept. for booking and released on a $500 bail. He is expected to appear in court July 5, 2017.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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