German Scientist Discovers Secret Formula of Immortality with the Most Surprising Ingredients
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Nov 6th, 2016-- Award-winning German biologist, scatologist , and anthropologist, Helga Lelga (147), had been studying the human body for decades. And when she was only twelve years old she formulated a concoction that would allow humans to live forever and hid it away from everyone, only drinking it herself. Until now that is. Lelga revealed her potion yesterday afternoon via the MTV Music Awards when she accepted the award for "Song that included the same word the most" just beating Rhianna's "Work".
"--I'm really scared to tell you guys this. But now that I feel nobody even wants to live anymore because this planet sucks that it's the best time to tell you all." Lelga began her speech on the potion, "It's really simple actually. All you have to do is take the abdomen of the male Hercules beetle, 6 ounces of dog urine, and believe it or not; 2 tablespoons of raw mercury. Mix it all together in the skull of the person you currently hate the most, let it sit for exactly 42 hours, 12 minutes, and 17 seconds. Any longer and you'll die immediately. Any shorter and your stomach will literally explode. You have to drink it every 8 months at the exact time you drank it before, otherwise you will die immediately as well. So mark your calendars."
Lelga has been alive for a long time and she will continue to do so to help benefit society with her studies, inventions, and all-around good character. Lelga's now titled, "Live, Don't Die" immortality potion will be sold exclusively in Wal-Marts around the world for only $4500. Hercules beetles' sales have increased dramatically as a result so Wal-Mart has also gotten the monopoly on them and sell them for double the price of the potion at $9000 per leg per beetle.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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