Suspect captured...but then escapes by using lubricant.

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Earlier today we reported about a local artist gone mad. Officers apprehended the suspect, known only as Bonk Deville, after a short foot chase. They caught the suspect behind the dumpster jacking off to midget porn when an employee was taking out the trash. The employee states "I was taking out the trash when I heard some moaning and shit, so I looked around the dumpster to see what it was. I saw this man sacking off vigorously and sweating profusely. I asked if he needed help and I guess he thought I meant by giving him a hand with what he was doing. When he heard me say that, he ran up and snatched my titty out of my bra with his teeth and started sniffing my nipple. I screamed and ran. Luckily an officer was in the store".

After arriving to the scene officer Ron Iama Shittaker reports he stumbled upon what seemed to be a disgusting sex fantasy. He apprehended the suspect who refused to pull his pants up. The officer was horrified when he noticed the suspect somehow got precum on his uniform so he let go of his arm and freaked out. During this little episode the suspect quickly pulled up his pants and started running. The officer gave chase and caught him but after running and the previous jack off session he was too slippery to hold. The suspect slipped away and ran off in a wooded area with his ass cheeks cut out of his pants somehow. The officer didn't give chase because he was still trying to catch his footing after dealing with the greasy suspect.

The GBI says this is a case of "moonrockamonia" where a person who's never smoked moonrock marijuana.

Columbus Police Dept. urges residents to stay inside so they don't get cum blasted.

If anyone has information of Bonk Deville's whereabouts please call -800-isnitch

This is a picture of the suspect which was captured on the officers bodycam.

IF YOU SEE THIS SUSPECT DO NOT APPROACH!!!

Bonk Deville is considered "armed" and dangerous

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.

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