Former Goon Makes Bad Life Choices
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Bells Corners resident Ryan Stasiuk has been laying low since the "incident" of 2016 where he stole the NHL jersey of a 9 year old child, stole his brand new bike and then passed out Drunk with his pants around his ankles. "He looked like a possessed ferocious hamster!" Stated 87 year old witness Bestsy Palmer. Ryan was once known as the bad boy of modern ballet, but the constant failures of his childhood favourite hockey team lead him to a life of bad choices and constant regret. He recently lost a sports competition to Ottawa heartthrob and philatropist Mark Laurin. "He was a good kid. Not very talented or as good looking as me, but a good kid." Mark's words seem to be echoed by those who know both individuals, as well as an entire community. A community with hopes that Ryan will pull his life back together (As well as his pants back up). If not for himself, but for that child deep within. A child who was born a leaf fan and had no proper guidance to deter him from this lifelong mistake. Auston Matthews was quoted as saying, "I really wish Ryan would disassociate himself from the Toronto Maple Leafs. It's embarrassing to our organization that we would attract fans like him. A real shame." Ryan couldn't be reached for comment but it can be assumed that he is putting a team together for a ball hockey tournament on the 29th of October. He is probably getting a team together with talent surpassing his own in order to have the community see him as a hero once again. If you want to catch Ryan in action, make sure you stop by Beatrice Desloges in Orleans at the end of the month. Just make sure you are always within arms reach of adult if you want to approach him and say hi.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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