Dixon IL resident Shea Jones caught stealing dildos from a local sex store!
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
2059 50004 Shares
Dixon IL, resident (Shea Jones) was caught earlier this morning in an attempt to steal 21 different assortments of dildos,vibrators,and other various sexual pleasure items. Said individual (Shea Jones) had been walking through the store when an employee (Jeramiah Owens) had began to become suspicious of the shoppers intentions. "At first he looked like a fairly nice young lad, until I noticed he had a pimple on his chin. That was when I realized there was treachery afoot. Foul play was indeed circumstance of the occurring situation and I refuse to allow such fuckery in my fuck shop." Said sex shop store owner Jeramiah Owens. After being asked to open his bookbag. The perpetrator (Jeramiah Owens) gasped in astonishment and repulse as offender (Shea Jones) removed 21 sexual pleasure items from his bookbag. Jeramiah then called the police, and the offender was taken to the Lee County Sheriffs Department and charged with the misdimeanor of retail theft and released at 5:00 PM on Friday afternoon October,21 to his aunt and uncle. His legal guardians. Police have suggested that "Sweet Jeramiahs slutty sex shop", and other franchises surrounding the vicinity be more wary of acne invested shoppers. "Teenagers are trained infidel by Isis and cannot I repeat cannot be trusted. There is just too many of them. I blame video games for this outrageous behavior it is completely unacceptable and we must do whatever we can to prevent such things from happening again" says The Lee County Sheriff Clayton Mcthenia. Dixon must be restored to honest and quiet living we cannot let this quiet country town take a turn for the worst. For more information in this matter please visit www.DixonCrime.org thank you and have a nice day.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
Most Popular
-
1
bigfoot sighting at jackson lake campground near oak hill ohio Several eye witness reported seeing a large hairy animal of some kind near the Jackson lake campground. Local authorities are asking people to be cautious if you are planning on fishing near this area. One of the witnesses where able to snap a picture with their cell phone before the creature ran away near the Tommy Been rd area.
-
2
new york city woman loses her temper, causes black hole to swallow her entire town Anna, 26, of New York City, DC was in the middle of an argument with a colleague when her temper got so out of control, it formed a small black hole, which demolished the vast majority of her neighborhood. "I just couldn't take it anymore, and unleashed my forces at the person who was irritating me. I had no idea the energy of my rage could cause such destruction," says Anna. Despite the ruination her anger has caused, Anna says she has no regrets. "I actually wish I knew I had this ability sooner!" Anna laughs. "There are a lot of people and things I could have eradicated from my life in this way."
-
3
whale spotted in illinois river A humpback whale was spotted near Morris IL in the Illinois River today. The sighting comes just days after 2 Great White Sharks were seen frolicking in the same area. While not impossible, it does seem unlikely. It is thought that the whale may have followed the sharks as they sometimes do in the wild. The whale would of had to travel over 1250 miles to get to this location. The Marine Biologist Association will be in town for a full investigation. Until we have answers, we are asking folks to keep their pontoons and fishing boats docked.
-
4
two great white sharks found swimming in mississippi river near saint louis, missouri. While it is not entirely impossible, it is incredibly uncommon for salt water dwelling creatures to stay for lengthy periods of time in fresh water. However, two Great White Sharks have managed to survive the trip and make their way up the Mississippi River somehow. Believed to have started as a mating couple, the two are assumed to have swam the 920 mile journey from the mouth of the Mississippi River that is connected to the Gulf Of Mexico. Officials in Saint Louis have contacted the Missouri Conservation Department and will likely have a team in the river soon to capture the two lost sharks.