Aborted Space Launch Surprises Authorities
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By J. Juvenal / React365
Pittsburgh, PA - Most rockets built to reach earth orbit are launched from places like Florida, Virginia, or even China. An early morning launch attempt in Ford City, PA - about 50 miles from the city of Pittsburgh - surprised and alarmed several regulatory and policing bodies.
In the early morning hours of October 25th, 2016, a huge flame briefly lit the night sky on the outskirts of Ford City. Marcus Titleman, a local resident, had briefly ignited the engines on his large, liquid fueled rocket before noticing a problem. The rocket was slowly tilting in the wrong direction as it generated the necessary thrust to launch itself in to the sky, and eventually in to low earth orbit. He hit several emergency switches just in time to keep the rocket on the ground, but not in time to avoid alerting his neighbors.
An unidentified neighbor explain that he had risen early to feed his pigs when he saw the massive flames ignite the early morning sky. At first, he believed the sun was rising, but realized it was too soon. It was then that he saw flames leaping above the trees in the distance. "I thought someone's house was on fire, but it was even brighter than that. It scared me, really. I had to go call the volunteer firemen", he explained.
Within minutes, fire fighters from three different local stations arrived on the scene to find no flames, but a shaken and wary Mr. Titleman. At first, he tried to deny any knowledge of what his neighbors observed, but as more calls were logged and reported to firefighters on the scene, it became obvious that something was amiss. A brief search of the property revealed large tanks - some cooled with liquid nitrogen - that looked like a scene from a science fiction movie, one fire fighter explained.
"The barn was full of weird scientific equipment. Huge tanks of God-knows-what plastered with hazardous materials stickers. I knew enough to know that this was probably something we weren't going to be able to handle, so I phoned it in to the Chief", explained 20 year veteran firefighter Joe Amelie. The Chief forwarded the concerns on to local industrial first responders and the State Police. As the search continued in a far field, the source of the bright flames was finally discovered.
The rocket stood approximately 35 feet tall in the sparse early morning light. Mr. Titleman had constructed an entire concrete launch pad complete with an area to test engine designs and a small concrete bunker that served as a launch control site. Sitting on a gravel road leading from the barn to the site of the failed launch was a flatbed tow truck owned by Mr. Titleman's employer.
State Police were directed to the scene upon arrival. Pennsylvania State Police Commissioner Tyree Blocker explained, "Upon arrival, it was obvious to the officers present that this was an unusual case, and one the presented an exceptional danger to the community and first responders. In a clear moment of quick thinking, the officer in charge cleared the scene of all personnel and reported his request for federal assistance. Additional officers were dispatched to block roads and manage access to the site. Additionally, Mr. Titleman has been detained on suspicion of violating state and federal law."
The FBI and representatives of the FAA arrived later in the day. Federal officers on the scene shared that, amazingly, it is probable that only hazardous materials handling laws were broken. Jerry Futzheimer, from the FAA explained, "It's actually legal to launch rockets under the correct conditions, and with the correct approvals. Recent developments in commercial spaceflight have caused us to document procedures for certifying orbital launch vehicles and launch sites. Additionally, there are procedures for non-orbital flights that are commonly followed by several rocketry enthusiast clubs for their solid and liquid fueled rockets."
Mr. Futzheimer explained, at length, that even if Mr. Titleman had applied for the correct clearances and certifications, that his launch site would not have been approved. Federal regulations require that launches are to be at a distance of 1/4 of the maximum altitude of flight away from any populated area. Additionally, air traffic controllers are to be notified, and in the case of high enough flights - foreign governments are often notified in advance so that they know the flight is not of military significance. Needless to say, Mr. Titleman did not make these notifications, nor did he apply for any of the required license. Still, he may not have broken the law.
Mr. Futzheimer continued, "Given that the rocket never actually separated from the launch pad, I don't think we can consider that a launch under federal law. Failed launches are not a situation we had contemplated." He also praised the construction of the facility, and the possible air-worthiness of the rocket. "It's actually pretty impressive. Very impressive, to be honest."
FBI agents, on the other hand, did not agree with the legality of the situation. "The person in question definitely violated federal hazardous materials laws, and we are consulting with the BATFE on violations of Federal laws regarding dangerous devices and explosives." The agent continued to explain that Mr. Titleman would likely be charged with attempted terroristic acts, and could face a lengthy federal sentence.
As the sun set on another day in this sleepy part of Pennsylvania, the town was abuzz with action. No one is quite sure how or who will remove the rocket and it's ancillary equipment, or what it's final disposition will be.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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