Entreprenuer caught selling outdated candy.
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For years, he got away with it. Kids loved the variety of sugar-filled treats. Parents loved the rare, hard to find tooth-rotters. Business was good, and profits were even better. Stocks of Knot Phresh Candies were soaring, until an anonymous tip by snitchster Amelissa James sent investigators to a gruesome discovery: CEO Dbj Claus was selling grossly outdated and unregulated morsels to unsuspecting customers. Police say the candies were from previous holidays, some dating back to the 1980s.
"We became suspicious at the amount of Twookies and Crystal Clear Pepsi," Lt Gotchya said. "In one case, a customer was placed in an induced coma to prevent emotional distress. Just a sad, evil thing to do. The candy was good, and the price was right.. but people were fooled and lied to in the most American way imaginable."
Prosecutors charged Claus with 8.8 million counts of fraud. If convicted, he faces four years of campaigning for president. "He's deplorable," Lt Gotchya said. "I hope he wins the election."
When asked to comment, Claus's attorney stated, "y'all ate this candy for years! Did kids get sick? Sure, they did. But did they like the candy? Damn straight! Was it wrong to do? I don't know that is a fact of this case. My client broke more labor laws than anything by underpaying, or not paying.. his employees."
Prosecutors are now looking at company records to determine
which labor laws are chargeable, but it appears that Knot Phresh Candies deleted all records and totally avoided paying taxes. And now the IRS would like to speak with Mr. Claus.
To donate to Dbj Claus's campaign, please visit his website and empty your account.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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