Willard couple under suspicion for lewd acts including running an underground dildo smuggling ring
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
2059 53569 Shares
Joshua Carpenter and his young girlfriend Bree Buttface Joiner of Willard have been arrested on 9 different counts varrying from fabricating homemade sex toys from cheap materials causing users pain and rashes to felony charges of overt laziness and obesity. So far 34 victims of these heinous "sex toys" have came forward with allegations that these devices have given them serious health issues including rashes, warts, discharge, bleeding and open seeping sores. One victim, Corey Kidd of Willard told police when he purchased his dildo it came out of the box smelling like Lake Erie perch. He knew something wasn't right and considered getting a refund but said sellers had vanished. He is also a key witness on discovering and exposing another one of this couples seedy scandals. "It was very sketchy when the initial transaction went down. I had to meet them at an undisclosed location. They showed up in ski masks and threw the product out the window. I was then told to go to the Willard park and put my money in a hole carved into the side of the boys restroom by the baseball diamonds" he told us, his face turning pale and a pained look in his eye as he recounted the memory. "I heard commotion in the bathroom when I put my money in the hole so I hid behind a tree and watched" at this point in the interview his lips started quivering. "An apparatus appeared out of the suspicious hole and men started lining up" what he told us next is too graphic to publish but it all points to the operation of a glory hole. Under questioning Carpenter did admit to being the ring leader in running the glory hole for extra money. That seemed to be an excuse for most of his crimes, trying to make money to support his family. This does not hold any water though seeing he has held the worlds longest record for unemployment, laziness and excuses. The couple is also being charged with passing out dildos to trick or treaters. Trial will held next month and both of these criminals have been set free on bail. Huron county sheriffs office warns the public to be cautious and please call and report any suspicious activity or tips involving this pair. They are often seen at fast food places and the Willard reservoir.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
Most Popular
-
1
bigfoot sighting at jackson lake campground near oak hill ohio Several eye witness reported seeing a large hairy animal of some kind near the Jackson lake campground. Local authorities are asking people to be cautious if you are planning on fishing near this area. One of the witnesses where able to snap a picture with their cell phone before the creature ran away near the Tommy Been rd area.
-
2
new york city woman loses her temper, causes black hole to swallow her entire town Anna, 26, of New York City, DC was in the middle of an argument with a colleague when her temper got so out of control, it formed a small black hole, which demolished the vast majority of her neighborhood. "I just couldn't take it anymore, and unleashed my forces at the person who was irritating me. I had no idea the energy of my rage could cause such destruction," says Anna. Despite the ruination her anger has caused, Anna says she has no regrets. "I actually wish I knew I had this ability sooner!" Anna laughs. "There are a lot of people and things I could have eradicated from my life in this way."
-
3
whale spotted in illinois river A humpback whale was spotted near Morris IL in the Illinois River today. The sighting comes just days after 2 Great White Sharks were seen frolicking in the same area. While not impossible, it does seem unlikely. It is thought that the whale may have followed the sharks as they sometimes do in the wild. The whale would of had to travel over 1250 miles to get to this location. The Marine Biologist Association will be in town for a full investigation. Until we have answers, we are asking folks to keep their pontoons and fishing boats docked.
-
4
two great white sharks found swimming in mississippi river near saint louis, missouri. While it is not entirely impossible, it is incredibly uncommon for salt water dwelling creatures to stay for lengthy periods of time in fresh water. However, two Great White Sharks have managed to survive the trip and make their way up the Mississippi River somehow. Believed to have started as a mating couple, the two are assumed to have swam the 920 mile journey from the mouth of the Mississippi River that is connected to the Gulf Of Mexico. Officials in Saint Louis have contacted the Missouri Conservation Department and will likely have a team in the river soon to capture the two lost sharks.