Local Obese Man Hoards Cure For Cancer, Buys Exotic Cars
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Local obese man, Kyle Rich, has been accused of finding the cure for cancer... and then holding it ransom for large sums of money.
Mr. Rich has been employed by University of Cincinnati's secretive "Skink Works" team- a splinter cell of elite specialists and sandwich connoisseurs- since 1912, where he has amassed fortune of $52,196,9078. That is enough to make any Nigerian prince jealous. But instead of releasing his findings to the public, he has chosen instead to "debunk" so called conspiracy theories of claims suggesting that he is, in fact, sitting on the cure and collecting handsome rewards from its capabilities.
Mr. Rich is an automotive enthusiast, and his personal car collection reflects as much. He currently owns a 2013 Pagani Huayra, a 2016 Porsche 911 Turbo R, 14 Audi R8s, 56 of GM motors, and a purple 1997 Honda Accord.
When contacted by the AP over the phone for a comment on his outrageous greed, Mr. Rich feigned ignorance and began sobbing uncontrollably. He began muttering such phrases as "I have to park on the top floor of the parking garage!", "I haven't cured anything!", and "I haven't slept in 23 days. Oh god, please... wait, what was that noise?"
Truly a sick man indeed, Mr. Rich (as seen in attached photo) has a BMI of 189 and eats pickled baby seals for lunch.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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