Man Incites Gay Riot in Beckley
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Stephen Morris of Danville, WV was arrested today after causing a major public disturbance in Beckley at the local Walmart. Law enforcement arrived at the scene at approximately 3:30 pm to discover masses of people running out of the establishment only to discover an even larger crowd inside creating havoc and destroying property.
Sgt. Percy Pudwaller said, "I immediately drew my weapon and began walking toward the sounds of shrieks and whistles. When I turned the corner all I could see was a big cloud of feathers and glitter so I didn't know what the hell was going on."
After subduing several participants in the riot, Sgt. Pudwaller was finally able to discover the cause of the actions of one man, Stephen Morris, age 34. The information was readily given by Ms. Fonda Cox, a well known drag performer in the area. This reporter was able to get the following information from Cox while waiting for the paddy wagon to arrive.
"Well, I was minding my own business looking at the zucchini when I saw him walk in and I thought ooo damn look at that fine piece of meat! And he knew he was fine too, you could tell by the way he was shaking those sweet cakes as he walked down the aisle. So I decided to follow him a little just to enjoy the view. I did not expect what happened when he got to the pharmacy!" said Cox.
Apparently, Morris had come to the location to purchase condoms. Cox added, "I saw him pick up a couple boxes and looked really confused. He sat them down, unzipped his pants and pulled his business out right there to try them on. And it was huge, girl! I swear if the boy was black I'd have thought a snake was attacking me! So I did what any self respecting queen would -- I went on Grindr and let everybody know there's a free show at the Walmart. And before you knew it, queers started flooding in from all directions just to get a peek."
Witnesses say the fighting began when a shoving match quickly escalated into a pillow fight punctuated by random glitter bombs.
Morris was being held at South Regional Jail for public lewdness, disturbing the peace and inciting a riot with a 5 million dollar bail that was paid by a group of concerned women within 30 minutes after his processing. A court date has not been set but Morris will be confined to his home with a monitoring bracelet because, as Pudwaller said, "We can't have men that sexy just walking around in public. It's a damn threat to public safety."
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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