SOUTHERN ILLINOIS CAT SEX SCANDAL
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In usually quiet, yet impoverished small trailer park seated at the edge of Olney, Illinois right off Route 130 residents don't get surprised too often. "I've seen it all," said one morbidly obese woman speaking with me from a Hoveround, "we once had a guy in here who would pull a dead dog on a leash like he was walking it, but this really takes the cake." She's referring to the recent buzz created by a fellow trailer park resident, one that is sending shockwaves all across the sleepy town and neighboring countries. On June 30 2017 after receiving an anonymous tip, OPD officers raided trailer lot 13 in Bills Trailer Park, and were extremely unprepared for what they found. Cats of all different shapes, ages, colors, and sizes were knotted together in a furious cat orgy, while Larry Pennis, 33, videotaped and encouraged the cats. "We were told their was illegal pornographic production being produced," says one OPD officer, who asked to remain anonymous,"however what we ended up finding was just a bunch of cats screwing. I was really bored as a kid, so I've seen a lot of cat sex, but nothing quite like this. It was intense. Candles, dimmed light, Drake being played over a small PA system, It was very ambient and sensual. I was honestly aroused for a few seconds." After the initial shock and wore off cops proceeded to call in Animal Control, who ended untangling the cat knot and took away a total of sixtey nine cats, which is the largest animal removal in the history of Richland County. Pennis had to be held back as his cats were removed, and after becoming aggressive and stricking an officer with a bottle of oil based lubricant, was arrested for Assualt of a Police Officer. The local animal control officer issued a statement regarding the cats and their welfare, "The cats, although covered in semen, candle wax, and lubricant are otherwise healthy. At this moment in time all sixtey nine cats are having to be kept in separate cages due to their unwillingness to stop having sex. After their shots and neutering, these cats will be available for adoption." When this reporter reached out to local Taco Bell employee about his thoughts on the situation he had this to say, "Will you ing order already, your holding up the damn drive thru." As of now, Pennis is incarcerated within the Richland County Jail. Upon release he is to have no contact and is ineligible to recover any of his cats.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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